A Reflection on How Families find
their Identity and Strength in Religion
by
Rev. Fr. Frank Pavone
Pontifical Council for the Family
Vatican City
Does religion make a difference for the family in the modern world? If so, in
what ways? How does the practice of religion assist the family to be a better
family? The answers to these questions can be found in four basic points:
In knowing God the Creator, the family comes to a better understanding of its
own identity.
Religion enables us to make family commitments which are humanly impossible.
Religion enables us to give ourselves away.
Religion enables the family to transcend itself.
In briefly commenting on these points, I will also make reference to some of
the concrete programs offered by the Catholic Church and by our Pontifical
Council for the Family.
1. In knowing God the Creator, the family comes to a better understanding
of its own identity.
When I was stationed in a large parish in New York city, I had the pleasure
of assisting the programs of marriage preparation offered by the Archdiocese of
New York. These programs bring engaged couples together during the time between
their engagement and their wedding, and offer them the Christian teachings about
marriage and family, while also giving them a chance to reflect and talk with
each other about their relationship with each other and with God. This marriage
preparation program is called "Pre-Cana," because it was in Cana of Galilee that
Jesus Christ attended a wedding and blessed it with His presence as He performed
His first public miracle.
In the talks I gave to the couples, I always began by asking why I, a priest
who was neither married nor planning on being married, was speaking about
marriage. I answered the question with another question: Who made marriage?
By leading the couples to understand that God made marriage, I led them to see
that He therefore is the One to whom we go to best understand marriage. I sought
to raise in their hearts the question, What is God's plan for my marriage?
Either God has a plan, or marriage is something of our own creation, fashioned
only out of our limited natural experiences and imperfect knowledge.
In affirming that God both has a plan and has communicated it to us, I then
brought them to the answer to the first question. I was speaking about marriage
not as a married person, but as a representative of the One who made marriage in
the first place.
To understand marriage, we need to look to God. To understand sex, we need to
look to God. To understand the family, we need to look to God.
Faith in God gives these realities a meaning beyond that which we want to
place there, and beyond the shifting sands of human opinion. If God is the
Creator, then by creating He has also inscribed a meaning into creation. It is
there before we are. When we arrive to take part in that creation, we
discover the meaning placed there by God. Because we too are created by the
same God and have a meaning inscribed in us as persons, there is a real unity
and harmony between us and the rest of creation which, when used properly, helps
fulfill us as persons.
The fact that there is meaning inscribed in creation does not rob us of
creativity or freedom. Rather, it calls forth a free, creative response from us
that is able to reach much higher thanks to the fact that we acknowledge a truth
that frees us from harmful errors.
The Second Vatican Council speaks of all this beautifully in the document
entitled, The Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World (Latin
title: Gaudium et Spes).
The document affirms that when one loses sight of the Creator, the creation
itself becomes unintelligible.
We can therefore speak about the truth about marriage and the family,
and about objective rights of the family.
In our office of the Pontifical Council for the Family, which is basically
the Pope's office for concerns related to family and the defense of human life,
we follow closely the proceedings of the various United Nations Conferences. We
note that in these conferences, and elsewhere, there are often efforts made to
re-define the family, as if its identity is whatever we want to make it. Yet to
speak about the truth of the family means to acknowledge that there is a
plan to which we are accountable. To speak of the rights
of the family is to acknowledge that there are norms higher than those of any
government or multi-national organization. These affirmations are necessary to
protect the family from the whims of whoever is in power.
Among the truths inscribed in creation is that of the equal dignity of every
human person, whether young or old, man or woman, healthy or sick, rich or poor,
born or still in the womb. Because every human life is a human person, and
because every human person is equal, then no person may ever use another as an
object. People freely give their time and talents to one another, but the
mistake of using a person is that one values their usefulness
more than their personal well-being and freedom, and can even come to see that
usefulness as the whole purpose for which that person was made. This is a grave
moral error which tears apart marriages and families.
Another truth about the person is that he/she has an eternal destiny. The
Christian affirmation of eternal life is not to make us less concerned about
this world, but rather more concerned, since the Church teaches that the
relationships and fruits of peace and love that we bring forth in this world
will endure in the next. Family relationships, in other words, begin here and
continue forever. Every aspect of family life takes on a whole new dimension
when one realizes that he/she is not only shaping a lifetime, but an eternity.
2. Religion enables us to promise what is humanly impossible.
The Catholic marriage ceremony contains the question, "Will you love each
other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?" Unless the intention of
permanent fidelity is present in both spouses, the priest cannot proceed with
the ceremony, and even if he did, the Church would consider it invalid. No
marriage occurs without a commitment to permanence.
Yet what a courageous act such a promise is! After all, how do I know who
this person I marry will be five years from now? How will his or her physical,
emotional, mental, or spiritual characteristics change? Not only do I not know
what will happen five years from now; I don’t even know what will happen five
minutes from now.
To make the permanent commitment that marriage requires means to say yes to a
future I do not know. It means I will be faithful to this person no matter
what.
Where do we find the courage, or even the rationale, to make such a promise?
We find it in the fact that at the marriage ceremony, there are not only two
persons making vows, but three. God Himself makes a promise at that ceremony. He
promises that the couple will never lack His presence, and that His grace will
be available at every moment, in every circumstance, to enable them to be
faithful.
Grace, the presence and activity of God in our lives, does not simply "help"
us, as if we were doing something and then God came along to make it easier.
Rather, Jesus Christ taught His followers, "Without Me, you can do nothing."
Every good action starts and proceeds enveloped in grace.
The Catholic Faith teaches that this concrete power of grace, which we cannot
do without, comes in a primary way through the seven sacraments, some of which
we receive only once (like marriage, normally), and others of which we receive
repeatedly (like Reconciliation and Holy Communion).
In the preparation of couples for marriage, therefore, and in the counseling
of couples and families in difficult circumstances, Catholic programs always
stress the need to receive the sacraments frequently. There are various
retreat programs for couples and families, whereby they take a weekend away
from their normal duties and surroundings, and focus only on their relationship
with God and each other. Prayer and the sacraments provide the centerpieces of
these retreat experiences. A number of movements for youth retreats are
growing quite rapidly. Along with retreats are programs whereby couples and
families meet regularly in small groups for prayer, spiritual guidance, and
discussion. One of our activities at the Pontifical Council for the Family is to
encourage and guide the development and growth of such movements.
3. Religion enables us to give ourselves away.
A wise man was once asked, "If you were given the power to do anything you
wanted, what would you do?" He answered, "I would restore words to their
original meaning."
The most misused, abused, and confused word in the English language is
"love." We use it to speak of a wide variety of good things, and of more than a
few bad things. How do we recover its original meaning?
Christians look to the Word of God in the Bible to discover the meaning of
the word "love." Here is how we know love, St. John writes in his first
letter. "Jesus Christ laid down His life for us. And we ought to lay down our
lives for our brothers" (1 John 3:16).
To understand love, Christians look to the cross, where Christ gives Himself
away, freely, for the life of the world. He was not forced to die; He chose
to die, to offer His life so that we could receive the forgiveness of sin and
the gift of eternal life. Christ’s death on the cross was not pleasant or nice,
but the day it happened is called "Good Friday." What is good is not
always nice, and what is nice is not always good.
Love is good, but it can mean crucifixion. Love means I sacrifice myself
for the good of the other person. The cross symbolizes that reality. What is
good for the other is paramount to me, and more important that what I might lose
in the process of securing the good of the other.
Is this not what is needed for a strong marriage? Is this not what spouses
are called to do for each other? Is this not what parents are called to do for
their children? I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person.
On the night before He died, Christ had supper with His disciples. He broke
bread at one point and gave it to them saying, This is My Body, given up for
you. He was teaching them what would happen the next day, and He was
teaching them the meaning of love. These words are at the center of the life of
a Catholic, and they are at the center of our central act of worship, the Mass.
But are they not the words of spouse to spouse in faithful marriage? This is
my body, given up for you. Are they not the words of parents to their
children? This is my body, my time, my money, my very life, given up for you,
that you may live, that you may grow, that you may flourish.
I wish to draw your attention to a very profound spiritual battle going on in
our midst. We have reached here the very foundation of the family and of human
happiness. We are called to give ourselves away for the good of others.
We are created in order to give and receive love. Anything less than that
brings us misery, division, and frustration. Love says, I sacrifice myself
for the good of the other person. The opposite of love, therefore, is to
say, I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself.
The most destructive way in which this dynamic of the opposite of love
manifests itself today is in abortion. Nothing claims more human lives than
abortion. In my country of the United States, a child is legally destroyed every
twenty seconds by this act. It happens legally, through all nine months of
pregnancy, because the child in the womb was declared a "non-person" by the
Supreme Court in 1973. The Court did not say the child was not human. The
Court merely said that the child would not receive the protection due to persons
under the law.
I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself. My full-time work
for many years has been to probe the abortion problem and work to reverse it.
Identifying abortion as the opposite of love does not mean that those who have
abortions are evil people. They are not. They are tormented and usually feel
that they have no choice but to do something they know is wrong.
But to examine the dynamic that abortion introduces into the life, family,
and society of that person reveals that its effects far transcend an individual
person's choice. Those who promote abortion increasingly openly admit that it is
an act of killing a human being, but that in certain circumstances such killing
is justified. But to say that is not only to make a statement about that
particular child being killed. It is to make a statement about how we treat the
vulnerable, the inconvenient, the burdensome. It is a statement about family
responsibility, specifically to the youngest members of the family. As Mother
Teresa has said, "If we accept that even a mother can kill her own child, how
can we tell other people not to kill each other?"
Studies on post-abortion phenomena increasingly reveal how it weakens present
and future family bonds and even is a contributing factor to violent activity on
the part of teenagers who have grown up in a society that taught them that they
were born not because of their inherent dignity, but because of a choice that,
after all, could have also gone the other way.
Ironically, as we have shown that the words This is my body reveal the
core meaning of love, the bond of a strong family and society, so we see the
same words used to justify the very opposite of love, the act of abortion. "This
is my body," some say, "So I can have the child removed." "This is my body,"
Christ says, "Given up for you, that you might live."
4.Religion enables the family to transcend itself.
If the human person is called to make a sincere gift of self for the good of
others, and in so doing finds his/her own fulfillment, then the same is true for
the entire family. The family as a community is called to give itself in
the service of the wider community of the Church and society.
One of the fundamental images of this reality in Christian revelation is the
teaching of St. Paul on the Church as the Body of Christ. "Just as each of us
has one body with many members," he writes,"and these members do not all
have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each
member belongs to all the others" (Romans 12:4-5).
Each member belongs to all the others. Those are strong words. A family
cannot think only of its own needs, because if the next family has needs,
those needs are the needs of the first family as well! The teachings that
religion brings again, as we saw in the beginning, clarify for us our own
identity. These teachings overcome the kind of individualism which can make
families think that if their own needs are satisfied, then everything is OK. The
ironic truth is that if a family thinks and lives in this manner, then it
threatens its own internal unity as well. This is so because the dynamic of love
is indivisible. That which inspires me to give myself away to my spouse and
children is, at its core, the same reality that inspires me to give myself to
the wider community.
Summary and conclusion
Pope John Paul II has frequently taught that "the future of humanity passes
through the family." It is a truth we can see from many angles, whether that of
Divine Revelation, or of sociological and psychological studies.
What is at stake when we consider the family is not simply one issue among
many. What is at stake is the very survival of human civilization.
When, therefore, we consider the role of religion in the modern family, we
are considering the role of religion in preserving the world. In 1973, the
second Secular Humanist Manifesto was issued, and it declared, "No deity will
save us; we must save ourselves." The document asserted that many aspects of
religion are an obstacle to human progress and even human rights.
Yet since 1973, the record of evidence has mounted pretty high that despite
its best efforts at self-improvement, humanity can do a pretty good job of
messing itself up.
Evidence also mounts that movements rooted in God and in the affirmation of
the dignity of human life, marriage, and family are renewing peoples’ lives,
families, and communities on every continent. Dialogue between religions is not
just something good. It is essential, for it is not simply dialogue in the sense
of an academic exercise. It is dialogue in the sense of thinking through common
problems and challenges, and discerning ways to join hands and solve those
problems, for the good of our families and our children's families. Dialogue
includes what might be called "bio-logue," a living together, a journeying
together toward a better future. I assure you of the commitment of the Catholic
Church to this ongoing effort, and I assure you that your efforts on behalf of
preserving and nurturing the gifts of life and family will bear abundant fruit.
God bless you.
