[One of the saddest correspondences or phone calls I deal with, is a father who is devastated because his partner, girlfriend, fiancé or wife had an abortion...without ever telling him about the procedure...until it is too late. It is heart breaking, and with what we know about how this impacts men, its also a really serious mental health and spiritual crisis that requires immediate help if the man is open to that. I wanted to share how I respond to these situations. Each one is unique so there is no set formula. You are just trying with the Lord's help, to reach out and connect man to man (woman to man) with his heart and soul and keep the momentum of reaching out for help...to keep that momentum moving forward. Isolation with this kind of pain, is very bad.
Here is a possible response. Please feel free in the comment section to suggest other points that may be important in reaching out to hurting dads like this...maybe you experienced this yourself, found healing and can offer some advice and feedback. I hope this is helpful to you in your own after abortion outreach. ]
* I am so sorry to read of your loss and the breakup of your relationship. You are right that she should have spoken to you, shared her fears and whatever drove her to make that tragic decision so you could have at least tried to encourage her to give life to your child. What a devastating thing for you!
I am co founder of a ministry that offers support to people who have had abortions and men like you who had no say in the abortion and lost a child they were powerless to save. One of the things a lot of men struggle with after situations like yours is anger…for obvious reasons. But over time that anger can really be a problem, and it can prevent dealing with the deeper feelings of loss, and the need to grieve that loss.
Depression, insomnia, anxiety are all natural reactions to what has happened to you.
Right now you are in the middle of the shock and as you said, being crushed by the weight of all that you are dealing with.
The most important thing I can ask you to consider is to not try to deal with this pain by yourself. Please think about reaching out to others who understand your loss, and can help you find a way to grieve your child in a healthy way. Its normal to feel outraged, betrayed, angry, devastated…but over time you are going to need support to help you move through that…for the sake of your children and yourself.
I am not sure what drove your partner to take this action…maybe she had another abortion in her past that she never found healing from, and panicked when she became pregnant? This is not uncommon.
Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your situation.
I am very sorry for the loss of your child and the end of your relationship. It may be very dark now, but hang in there and keep reaching out for the help you need…with the right kind of help you will get through this.
Follow up with the links I sent and please stay in touch.
* As you can see, I did not focus much on the mother of the child and the fact that she is hurting too…he is likely too angry and hurt at her actions to be able to understand that she may be suffering terribly and will pay a high price for her abortion if she does not find healing. But this will be part of his healing journey, and you cant rush this stuff and have to respond where he is right now. There is a story in Redeeming A Father’s Heart , a beautiful story of a man like this who had great rage at his partner and the abortionist…but with healing recovered and was able to grieve his loss and connect in love with his child in the Lord. I will share that chapter in a separate post. -Kevin