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my teenage pregnancy, I was never in favor of abortion. Bowing to my
boyfriend’s decision to abort our baby compelled me to build an
emotional wall. After I let abortion enter my life, there were two
persons in me: the pro-choice feminist and the broken-hearted girl.
The former was trying hard to convince herself that she did the right
thing and that abortion was a matter of women’s rights. Getting rid of a
clump of parasitic cells was merely part of life. Glowing with lip
gloss, sexy outfits, and engaging in “no strings attached”
relationships, she clung to her anti-motherhood privileges. The latter,
recoiled in her shell, was afraid to give her trust and love, and was
grieving her baby.
To be able to survive, I denied my baby’s humanity, the violence of
abortion, and my maternal instinct. But I was also wounded and horrified
by the drama within which I had been both victim and actor.
Once in a movie, I saw a caricature portrayal of angry anti-abortion
people. They were shoving a tiny plastic figure in a pregnant girl’s
face saying, “This is your baby.” The liberal feminist in me was
outraged, and the broken-hearted girl was feeling judged.
After my second abortion, I lost interest in my sexual conquests. The
despair had become stronger than the Parisian romance lifestyle. The
deep cut in my heart made it harder and harder to rationalize the evil
of my actions.
One day, I noticed a “Pray to end abortion” bumper sticker on my
fiancé’s mother’s car. His sister had participated in the annual March
for Life in Washington, D.C. These events made me feel dirty, a little
outraged, and mostly confused.
I’ve heard pro-choice sisters respond many times when recalling an abortion memory, “You don’t want to go there.” There
is exactly where pro-life folks want to go, trying to open the door we
slammed shut after we sold our souls to abortion. They make us feel
uncomfortable because they remind us of one of our darkest deeds. We are
hurt not because of their actions, but because of our own. We want
freedom, but we cling to our chains. As long as we keep the door shut,
freedom will escape us. We need to keep the door open and say,
The wound of abortion needs to be revealed in the light in order for it to be healed.