I felt that I was marked.

1. How did you come to have the abortion(s) and who was involved?

With the first two, I went to a clinic with my high school boyfriend in my senior year. The third one, at age 27, my gynecologist referred me to her husband who performed the abortion. My boyfriend went with me. I didn’t involve any friends or family.

2. Do you believe you were adequately informed about the nature of abortion, the risks, and alternatives?

No. I was told that it was a simple procedure and was lead to believe that I was making the right choices. I was not given other choices or any counseling.

3. How would you describe your abortion(s).

I honestly don’t remember the details of the abortions. I was put under anesthesia and when I awoke, I had cramping and felt dirty and guilty. I didn’t want anyone to know what I had done.

4. How did your abortion(s) affect you and others?

I could not stop thinking about my babies. I cried a lot and believed that I deserved to be punished by not being able to give birth to other children. I was very insecure and felt that I did not deserve a good man and that I was marked. When I met my husband, I told him about one of my abortions. He was very judgmental so I never told him about the others.

5. Please describe what you have done to deal with your abortion(s), and whether it helped.

I always prayed a lot and asked God to please forgive me. I knew in my heart that God forgave me but I had a difficult time forgiving myself. I also didn’t feel that I deserved to be forgiven by God. This year, at age 45, I finally had the courage to call Project Rachel and go through their program. The priest and the counselors were wonderful and nonjudgmental -- pure love. I confessed my sins, went through spiritual counseling and had a Naming Ceremony. I have been able to have some closure. I know that my babies are in Heaven and that they have forgiven me. I keep them close to my heart and know that I will be reunited with them when I leave this world. I have become a better Catholic and am passing this on to my two children that God so blessed me with. My husband knows I went through Project Rachel but does not want to know the details.

6. How do you think your abortion(s) changed your life?

Before I was healed, I felt so guilty and believed that God should punish me. Now that I am healed, I am so thankful that God blessed me and my husband with two beautiful and healthy children. I am trying not to be so overprotective of them. I love them dearly and appreciate them so much. I am so against abortion and as my children get older, I would like to become more involved in the ProLife movement and pray that I will be able to help others that have gone through abortion and help to put a stop to abortion. Below is my letter to my aborted children. Please feel free to post this if you like and use my first name.

God bless your ProLife ministries!!! They are in my thoughts and prayers.

Letter to my children

My Dearest Precious Angels Joey, Antonia and Teresa:

It has been a long journey for Mommy but through the grace of God, all of the pain and tears I have shed, led me to forgiveness, healing and peace. The Holy Spirit has revealed to me my three very precious children that are angels in heaven. I am so sorry for my past mistakes and that I was not strong enough to make decisions that were morally right instead of what I thought to be socially right. If I could turn back the clock, I would give you each the chance you all deserved; to be here with me in this earthly life. I wish that I had not been so silent when God blessed me with your lives growing in my womb and that I would have heard God’s cry or that I had spoken to someone that would have stopped me - to make me see that what I was doing was so very wrong. Now, the peace and comfort that I have in my heart is that the three of you are in Heaven with our Blessed Mother, our Heavenly Father, our sweet, sweet Jesus, all the Saints, and our ancestors that have gone to Heaven. I know that God created each one of you and that you are each a special soul.

Joey and Antonia, you would both be around 27 and Teresa, you would be around 17. I am so sorry that I was so selfish that I didn’t want anyone to think badly of me for having babies out of wedlock. I was so insecure and I did not make good choices. I wanted so much to be loved by a man that I didn’t realize how much more love I would have had if I had chosen to give each of you life. I have missed out on all the precious memories of seeing each one of you grow up and to see your hopes and dreams fulfilled.

Joey, I am naming you after my dearly beloved maternal grandfather and my dearly beloved father - Joseph, but Joey for short.

Antonia, I am naming you after my dear mother that I love so dearly and has always shown me nothing but strength and unconditional love.

Teresa, I am naming you after my dearly beloved maternal grandmother that was a true inspiration to me in how much she loved our Lord and was faithful to his Church.

My Dear Precious Angels, I know that from Heaven you know the wonderful brother and sister you have here on earth. If they knew about you all, they would love you so much. Maybe someday, if the time is right and our Lord desires, I can tell them about each one of you. Meanwhile, please watch over them until they can personally meet you in Heaven.

Although my sorrow is heavy and you are all missed, you will always be loved. I know that you are all whole and happy in God’s Kingdom. All your pain has been swept away, and the blindness that hid each of your beauty from me when I could not see, has been lifted and I, along with the angels are rejoicing in the wonder of who you each are - God’s beautiful creations. I look forward to the day that I can be with each of my beautiful and precious babies in Heaven, embrace each one of you in my arms, tenderly caress your beautiful faces and kiss your sweet cheeks. Until that time, I promise to keep each of your spirits alive in my heart. Thank you for loving and forgiving me and leading me to the healing of my soul. Please know that Mommy loves you very, very much for all eternity.

Love, Mommy