The people at the clinic were very cold

I was 19 years old. I was sharing an apartment with a co-worker. One night I went out for a drink with my step-uncle. After a few drinks we left and the next thing I knew, we were back at my apartment. I did not have much contact with him after that until the day that I called him to tell him that I thought I was pregnant. His first response was, "How did I know it was his?" Then his second response was, "I thought you were on the pill." (Let me take a moment to tell you that I was 19 and he was 34.)

I then went to the doctor for a test, which came out positive. I set up an appointment with my doctor who basically told me how far along I was, when my due date was, and that he would be happy to see me along with my pregnancy. I then asked him about an abortion. (By this time reality had set in and I was very scared.) My doctor's only response was that he did not do abortions. That's all. No information at all. 

When I called my step-uncle back to report all this information, he told me that he had talked to several of his friends, and that having an abortion was "no big deal." I then went to tell my mom and step-father that I was pregnant. (By now I was really trying to reach out for help, but I didn't find any.) My mom and step-father told me that it was my decision. I was so scared I just wanted the nightmare to end. I made the decision to have the abortion. My mother drove me down and paid for it.

I was not prepared at all for what was about to happen to me. The only information was from my step-uncle saying it was "no big deal." No counseling at all.

From the moment that I found out that I was pregnant, I shut down emotionally and even more so when I walked into the clinic to have my abortion. The people at the clinic were very cold. They showed no emotions at all. I felt so dirty and worthless.

I remember after leaving the clinic, I went home with my mother and I remember her saying to me, "You basically had a D and.C. You're young. You'll get over it. Just forget it ever happened." So I did just that. So I thought. 

I met my husband and got married. At this time in our relationship I didn't think I could tell him because he would hate me and leave me. We had our first daughter and I never felt the deep love for her I should have. For several reasons, I guess. The first, is that I never grieved over the loss of the child I aborted and I also felt there was no need to love her because God was just going to take her away from me to punish me for killing my first child.

We then had a second child, which I loved deeply. We were married about ten years and the pain of my abortion was becoming unbearable. I finally told him one morning through many tears. I remember telling him that I really needed to tell him about the abortion. I was very shocked to hear all the support and compassion that I was receiving.  I feel that the support that I received for the first time in my life, had a lot to do with my seeking help. I never felt that I was worthy of love nor did I love myself.

I first contacted Project Rachel, who then referred me to a counselor. I saw this counselor about three times. She then told me about a bible study group through Project Rachel, which I attended. Going through the Bible Study brought to the surface a lot of feeling. I needed more counseling, which I received. We finished our Bible Study group and from there we have started a monthly support group. I have also talked to groups about my abortion experience and just how it has affected my life.

Unfortunately, I lost a very special child and I will always miss and love her with all my heart. But, I truly feel that this child that I lost has showed me that it is possible to love again.