I began drinking heavily

I was a junior in college, as was my fiancée, when I became pregnant. We always used condoms, but not properly. Bottom line, this I did not realize until years later, is I did not want his or my parents to know we were sexually active. At the time, I thought an abortion was necessary because I was pregnant. My fiancée and I went to the clinic together. Two girlfriends knew of our plans.

The information I was given was at the abortion clinic. I don't remember that they talked about anything other than birth control and the importance of watching for infection. There was no counseling, as I remember, regarding fetal development or options. No, I was not given adequate information or counseling.

It (the abortion) was horrid!!! The room was cold and the doctor colder. The nurse kept patting my arm. I felt humiliated, naked, betrayed, and uncared for. I remember where the table, the door, the lights, the counter, all were. The abortion itself from a physical point was no big deal. The emotional part never ending. I thought I would some day be in a psych hospital, we drove by the hospital on the way home. I knew I would never abort again for any reason.

I began drinking heavily. I got all D's as my grades for the quarter. I shunned my fiancée, became defiant to virtually everyone, cried a lot and distanced myself from family especially my nephew and niece. My two living boys are affected because I still have anniversary reactions and sadness at Christmas, they have no older brother. I did marry the father of my aborted baby -- My husband and I have a certain little distance between us. I did not bond as solidly with my first born as I should have and I am obsessive over my second born.

In retrospect, I started to work at Birthright to atone for the abortion. The women counselors at Birthright and a couple from China, aborting for the third time, were the starters to my help. I went through the Christian Action Council PACE program and have worked on a 12 step abortion survivors anonymous information. The understanding, love and compassion I received from Birthright volunteers, the letter to my aborted son, and sharing my experience at a dinner of people were the most beneficial (in that order). I still grieve and will always remember and regret though I know I'm forgiven, have to forgive myself.

It strengthened my beliefs (gave me beliefs). Attributed to my overeating and low self esteem. It has taught me to be slow to judge and has given me empathy.