I began drinking heavily
I was a junior in college, as was my fiancée, when I became pregnant. We
always used condoms, but not properly. Bottom line, this I did not realize until
years later, is I did not want his or my parents to know we were sexually
active. At the time, I thought an abortion was necessary because I was pregnant.
My fiancée and I went to the clinic together. Two girlfriends knew of our plans.
The information I was given was at the abortion clinic. I don't remember that
they talked about anything other than birth control and the importance of
watching for infection. There was no counseling, as I remember, regarding fetal
development or options. No, I was not given adequate information or counseling.
It (the abortion) was horrid!!! The room was cold and the doctor colder. The
nurse kept patting my arm. I felt humiliated, naked, betrayed, and uncared for.
I remember where the table, the door, the lights, the counter, all were. The
abortion itself from a physical point was no big deal. The emotional part never
ending. I thought I would some day be in a psych hospital, we drove by the
hospital on the way home. I knew I would never abort again for any reason.
I began drinking heavily. I got all D's as my grades for the quarter. I
shunned my fiancée, became defiant to virtually everyone, cried a lot and
distanced myself from family especially my nephew and niece. My two living boys
are affected because I still have anniversary reactions and sadness at
Christmas, they have no older brother. I did marry the father of my aborted baby
-- My husband and I have a certain little distance between us. I did not bond as
solidly with my first born as I should have and I am obsessive over my second
In retrospect, I started to work at Birthright to atone for the abortion. The
women counselors at Birthright and a couple from China, aborting for the third
time, were the starters to my help. I went through the Christian Action Council
PACE program and have worked on a 12 step abortion survivors anonymous
information. The understanding, love and compassion I received from Birthright
volunteers, the letter to my aborted son, and sharing my experience at a dinner
of people were the most beneficial (in that order). I still grieve and will
always remember and regret though I know I'm forgiven, have to forgive myself.
It strengthened my beliefs (gave me beliefs). Attributed to my overeating and
low self esteem. It has taught me to be slow to judge and has given me empathy.