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I can’t feel joy anymore.

I was pregnant at 19 and in school. The father was black and my parents disapproved of the relationship; they promised to end any contact with me if I ever got pregnant. Rather than risk the loss of the relationship with my parents, on which I was very dependant and against my boyfriend’s wishes, I had him drive me [a few hours] to the nearest abortion clinic and had an abortion. Years later, I found myself again pregnant by a black man. Although I was a professional, I was still financially and emotionally heavily dependant on my parents and was unwilling to risk the loss of the relationship as before. Unbeknownst to anyone, even my boyfriend, I went to a local abortion clinic and had a second abortion. Both times the decision was primarily mine, although I felt I had no other choice.

It was physically painful, extreme loss of blood, indescribably traumatic and frightening. Very lonely. The professionals were insensitive and very "business-like" and casual. I’m not sure if the second abortionist even knew what he was doing. He barely spoke English. Probably wasn’t even board-certified.

I cried constantly for weeks afterward and still go through phases where I sit up all night and cry uncontrollably. I have alienated everyone in my life from me, my family and friends. I don’t have a single woman friend. My feelings are so easily hurt, I simply avoid contact with people. I’m mostly isolated, can’t hold down a job for more than a few months. I’ve made three unsuccessful attempts to return to college. I feel deeply depressed, lonely, suffer chronic guilt and remorse. I was extremely promiscuous until my marriage four years ago. I feel very hostile towards others and non-trusting. I feel lonely and isolated and have no self-esteem. I am extremely moody and unpredictable, some times I am appalled at my own behavior. I also have difficulty feeling maternal towards my children. I have been very near abuse at times. 

I hemorrhaged for six weeks after the second abortion (which was performed at 16 weeks gestation). My breasts swelled until they cracked and were very feverish. I have long and difficult labors now and just feel that my uterus was somehow damaged. I know that it is tilted. 

I resent and hate my parents for their part, although I repress those feelings. My boyfriend was very hurt by my choice and yet I feel his lack of responsibility added to the pressure to make a decision on myself. I find trusting my husband very difficult, although he is a very gentle and compassionate man. I don’t understand what there is about me to love and yet I know he must or he wouldn’t still be around. I have a panic disorder and various other phobias.

Denial for many years, but it finally surfaced. I joined a pro-life group and am involved politically whenever new legislation comes up. Plan to go to a post-abortion bible study and hopefully train to counsel women at a problem pregnancy center.

It damaged my soul forever. I will never be the same, even my family and friends tell me this. I can’t feel joy anymore. I just feel stuck forever with the consequences of my actions. It’s made me realize abortion is a sin against God and that I was very wrong.

Priests for Life
PO Box 141172 • Staten Island, NY 10314
Tel. 888-735-3448, (718) 980-4400 • Fax 718-980-6515
mail@priestsforlife.org