I can’t feel joy anymore.
I was pregnant at 19 and in school. The father was black and my parents
disapproved of the relationship; they promised to end any contact with me if I
ever got pregnant. Rather than risk the loss of the relationship with my
parents, on which I was very dependant and against my boyfriend’s wishes, I had
him drive me [a few hours] to the nearest abortion clinic and had an abortion.
Years later, I found myself again pregnant by a black man. Although I was a
professional, I was still financially and emotionally heavily dependant on my
parents and was unwilling to risk the loss of the relationship as before.
Unbeknownst to anyone, even my boyfriend, I went to a local abortion clinic and
had a second abortion. Both times the decision was primarily mine, although I
felt I had no other choice.
It was physically painful, extreme loss of blood, indescribably traumatic and
frightening. Very lonely. The professionals were insensitive and very
"business-like" and casual. I’m not sure if the second abortionist even knew
what he was doing. He barely spoke English. Probably wasn’t even
board-certified.
I cried constantly for weeks afterward and still go through phases where I
sit up all night and cry uncontrollably. I have alienated everyone in my life
from me, my family and friends. I don’t have a single woman friend. My feelings
are so easily hurt, I simply avoid contact with people. I’m mostly isolated,
can’t hold down a job for more than a few months. I’ve made three unsuccessful
attempts to return to college. I feel deeply depressed, lonely, suffer chronic
guilt and remorse. I was extremely promiscuous until my marriage four years ago.
I feel very hostile towards others and non-trusting. I feel lonely and isolated
and have no self-esteem. I am extremely moody and unpredictable, some times I am
appalled at my own behavior. I also have difficulty feeling maternal towards my
children. I have been very near abuse at times.
I hemorrhaged for six weeks after the second abortion (which was performed
at 16 weeks gestation). My breasts swelled until they cracked and were very
feverish. I have long and difficult labors now and just feel that my uterus was
somehow damaged. I know that it is tilted.
I resent and hate my parents for their part, although I repress those
feelings. My boyfriend was very hurt by my choice and yet I feel his lack of
responsibility added to the pressure to make a decision on myself. I find
trusting my husband very difficult, although he is a very gentle and
compassionate man. I don’t understand what there is about me to love and yet I
know he must or he wouldn’t still be around. I have a panic disorder and various
other phobias.
Denial for many years, but it finally surfaced. I joined a pro-life group and
am involved politically whenever new legislation comes up. Plan to go to a
post-abortion bible study and hopefully train to counsel women at a problem
pregnancy center.
It damaged my soul forever. I will never be the same, even my family and
friends tell me this. I can’t feel joy anymore. I just feel stuck forever with
the consequences of my actions. It’s made me realize abortion is a sin against
God and that I was very wrong.
