I wanted to drive into the freeway wall!!!
I was in love with a new boyfriend, I got pregnant, I felt like I had to have
the abortion, that there was no other choice. I didn’t even think about my
options. I went to a clinic that I found in the phone book. I called on a Friday
and was able to make an appointment for the following Wednesday. I didn’t tell
anyone except my boyfriend. He drove me to the clinic. They took the $240.00
cash and put it in an envelope at the reception desk. The place was clean with
families in the waiting room. They asked for my boyfriend in the room with me
during the "procedure," they never used the word abortion.
They told me what the procedure was going to be like for how long (it was a
suction). Counseling for what? They didn’t try to discuss different options, or
talk about the baby’s development at all. Why would they? I was not sat down
before-hand and told what my other options were. I was told it was safe, that
I’d be able to have children. I was not told of an increased risk of breast
cancer. They did not tell me there would be a possibility of depression, etc.
They told me the procedure would take about 3 to 4 minutes. They said I would
bleed for a few weeks and they set up an appointment in two weeks to check that
I was healing ok.
The conditions at the clinic were clean. One worker there was giving me a
dirty look as I was waiting to go in because she knew why I was there. The
doctor (and nurse) gave me nitrous oxide to inhale. I had a mask over my face. I
sucked that stuff in so deep. I was so scared. I just kept inhaling it so
deeply. I didn’t want to feel a thing. My body started shaking and shivering
because of the nitrous oxide. I felt myself shaking. That’s why they call it
"laughing gas." (Pretty sick contradiction.) This was while I was laying on the
table. I was holding my boyfriend's hand and had my eyes squeezed shut.
The doctor gave me several local shots with long, long needles. I could
feel the sting and then the sick, odd, dull, numbness that followed. The feeling
of cold anesthesia as it was running through my uterus (I guess). I think he
gave me shots down there to dilate me. It was a suction abortion, there was so
much tugging. God, I could feel it pulling and pulling. I just "beared down" (in
my mind, as if I was giving labor) and squeezed my boyfriend's hand. I had my
eyes shut, nitrous oxide gas mask on, tears streaming down my face. I just was
so scared, I just wanted to get it over with.
After that was over, the nurse had me put on a maxi pad and they had me go
next door with my boyfriend in a little waiting room. It was more like a little
white prison cell with a padded bench for us to sit on. Then we went in the
doctor’s office, one talked with us very matter of fact about how he felt it’s a
woman’s right, etc. And he gave me birth control pills and we left. I tried to
say "Thanks," but the word
literally stuck in my throat, and we just rushed out of there.
After the abortion I became very depressed, became very clingy and insecure
with my boyfriend. I shut myself off from God, friends and family. I lost about
20 lbs. Because I was too depressed to eat. (Our relationship was now falling
At work, I was awful. I wasn’t doing any work at all. (I’m a computer
programmer for a top computer company!) I started partying more, would get very,
very drunk, became more nasty, hostile, and aggressive. I "disappeared"
socially. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to drive into the freeway wall!!! I
couldn’t accept, or give, love since then (7 years later). My parents didn’t
know what was wrong or my brothers and sisters or people at work. Even though my
boyfriend and I broke up, I’d still sleep with him (whenever he’d decide to stop
by and he was usually drunk/stoned). I lost touch with a lot of my friends. They
gave up on me because I withdrew so much.
I realized I could never, I would never, commit suicide, ever. I had to "stay
with God." I kept telling myself. But I did start to get into Dianetics because
I thought they could "clear" me of this trauma because I didn’t dare go to God
for help after what I did. But I bailed on that. They were strange people. I was
sad, but I wasn’t totally stupid! Then I talked to a student counselor at my old
college, but she just basically told me I did what was right for me at the time,
Three months after the abortion, I went to a priest I sort of knew, broke
down and told my confession. Then he recommended counseling. That’s when I went
to the counselor at my old college, who didn’t help. I finally went to the "At
Peace with Your Unborn" service in 1992, and that helped a little, but there was
still so much inside me emotionally and spiritually broken. I figured through
time things would fade. They didn’t, I just ignored them, stuffed them down, and
did enough in life just to "get by" with friends, work, and family.
In March of 1995, I called NOPARH (National Organization for Post Abortion
Reconciliation and Healing) and started meeting with a social worker once a week
from April through September 1995. We went through the 12 steps of healing. It
was good, but the format seemed too rigid and too rushed and she didn’t listen
enough, but her intentions were very good.
I started seeing a real doctor of psychiatry/psychology (Jewish lady) from
October 1995 until now, but I’m going to stop. I’m going to the "Center for
Christian Counseling". I know God is the only One Who can and will lead me to
deal with this, face it, get my emotions out, let me feel the forgiveness, and
let me accept it all, learn and move on. He is the only One. So, Christian
counseling from a certified professional doctor of psychology/psychiatry is the
only way to go and it has to be someone who knows first hand the ins and outs of
all that’s involved with post abortion syndrome.
It changed my life because in the end it is bringing me closer to God. But it
really hurt me because I’ve felt like I don’t deserve to be healed, so I’ve
"wasted" 6-7 years of my prime of life, not allowing myself to be really healed.
But I know I’ll get there. Abortion is wrong! It kills the baby and it kills the
mother and I am sorry.