I would sleep all day and have suicidal thoughts

This is from the beginning of my life. My older sister at first was very loving toward me when we were about 4 and 5 years old. When she was about 8 she started totally despising me for no apparent reason. At first I would tell my parents, but when my sister found out she would physically hit me harder and torment me with her sarcasm and hatred. Consequently my parents weren't aware of the mental and physical abuse that she directed toward me.

For years I put up with this abuse until I was a sophomore and finally stood up to her. My memory of this is as if it happened yesterday. She was the star of the track and basketball team in school and had forbidden me to attend any school function where she was present. I decided that I was missing all the fun activities at school such as games and dances, etc. So one night I attended a boys basketball game and she was there. She was furious! She tried to get me to leave and I refused. I sat there and ignored her until one of her friends told her to leave me alone. After that she left me alone in that area.

My family consisted of a loving mother, father, my sister, and four younger brothers. We were all raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday. My mother did not inform me or my sister of any changes in our bodies or discuss boys or sex. So I was very naive when it came to boys, etc.

After my last day of high school we moved [out of state]. There I had no friends, no car and no plans of any kind. I decided to enter the military to get away from home. My Army enlistment was exciting and challenging, but most of all I enjoyed meeting new and different people. When I arrived at my first duty station I began to be very promiscuous and didn't know what I was doing with my body. I was looking for love and attention. I met this man who was in the same company as myself and we dated for 1 1/2 years. He was so kind, gentle, and caring. We were together all the time. I soon found myself pregnant. I told him about my pregnancy and immediately he became nervous and distant. He told me he was married (separated) but still married. I was shocked! He right away mentioned an abortion. I left hurt and betrayed.

When I got back to my barracks I called my father and mentioned to him that I was dating a black man. He became furious! I did not expect this from a man who raised me to not be prejudiced. I hung up and cried. My next call was to an abortion clinic to make an appointment. 

The time came to go and I went in a taxi by myself to do this. Being raised Catholic I knew it was wrong but I felt I had no other choice. They told me that it wasn't a baby yet - just tissue, and I believed them.

After the abortion I felt relief and then guilt. I put it out of my mind and went on with my life. I put in to go overseas and [there] I met my husband. I told him about the abortion but I became so emotional that he didn't want to ask questions. He said it was a mistake and that he didn't hold it against me.

After one year I became pregnant with our first child. Everything was fine and we had a beautiful baby girl. After her birth though, my husband and I started having financial and marital problems. I started becoming very moody and very angry (for no reason apparent to me at the time). I was very far away from God and blamed Him and my abortion for everything that happened to me. Then after another year I became pregnant again. I was pregnant with twins but miscarried one of them. All the while our marriage was falling apart and my husband turned to alcohol and drugs. He finally went into treatment and we moved to where my family was living.

There we went on a marriage encounter weekend and our marriage was restored. We became a team couple and put on 6 weekends for other couples. Each weekend was a blessing in itself. All our hardships made our talks even more powerful. We had both put our hearts into doing God's will at whatever cost.

A few months later I was laid off from my job due to downsizing. I went to college for a year [and we moved again].

[After the move,] I wasn't working full time and I had time on my hands (too much time). I started thinking about my past and the next thing I knew I would sleep all day and have suicidal thoughts. I sought help from an article I read about Post-Abortion Syndrome. I called the 800 number and was put in touch with Project Rachel. My counselor suggested I go to my doctor for possible depression. I went and am now on medication. My anger has subsided with the help a psychologist. Now I am currently in a bible study and walking the healing journey with other women who have had abortions and God.