Death hit you in the face the moment you walked through the front entrance

I have had three abortions. My first abortion was right after my 18th birthday. I chose abortion because the father of the baby denied any part of me and the baby. He left town and I didn’t know where to find him. I had to tell my parents. They told me my life would be better and the baby would be better off by having an abortion. My father paid for the abortion and my mother found a local "doctor" who did abortions. She made the appointment and my best friend  took me.

After my abortion, my father kicked me out of the house. So, I went to live with a friend. Things weren’t going well, so a guy I met offered to let me move in with him and his son. I was to watch his son in exchange for a place to live. Well, within a month or so, I was pregnant. Yet, by the time I found out, I had moved back home and started dating someone. So, I was in a real fix. I had moved back home because I was getting hooked on cocaine, and taking "downers" at the same time. I had talked to the father of the baby, and he was trying to get some money together for abortion. I chose abortion because of the drugs and for my own selfish reasons. He could not come up with all the money. Then one day, my other friend asked me out of the clear blue sky if I was pregnant. So I broke down and told him. He was so loving.

Were you given adequate information and counseling prior to the abortion(s)? 

No, not at all. My first abortion, I did not receive any form of counseling at all. My second abortion, I went to Planned Parenthood and they were so casual.

How would you describe your abortion(s)? 

I have so many different ways I guess to describe them. They were painful and very traumatic. I guess one way to describe them is like a rape. You feel violated and empty afterwards. You could feel death hanging over you while in the "doctor’s" office or the "clinic." Death hit you in the face the moment you walked through the front entrance. As the procedure was taking place, you feel like the life hidden so deep within you is being ripped from you. I felt like each abortion that a part of me died with my children.

My abortions have taken a toll on my life emotionally with feelings of guilt and regret. I have been emotionally bankrupt. I have had little desire to continue living and feel I have not deserved to be happy. I have battled suicide for years. I have had problems with serious long-term relationships. I am married, but we have been hanging on by a bare thread. I am always depressed, but I try and pretend to others, but mostly to myself that I’m not. I used drugs to numb me emotionally. I used cocaine, but my favorite was "downers." I would drink alcohol and smoke marijuana and pop pills. That way my mind would not think about me killing my babies.

I am going through post-abortion counseling with Care Net. Their program is PACE. It’s a wonderful program! I feel like it has helped me work through emotions that have built up.

I will never be the same. I must live with the fact that I allowed for my children to be killed while still nestled inside of my body for illogical and selfish reasons.