If there were any day I could undo, it would be that day

The first time I heard the word abortion I was fourteen years old. I was also pregnant with my first child. I wasn't even sure that I was pregnant until I researched the possibility in health books. I was five months pregnant, but somehow, I thought this situation would disappear. Our family didn't go to church, nor do I ever remember hearing any Bible stories, as I was growing up and in all honesty, I do not ever remember a discussion about abortion.

As I finally confided in my mom that I thought I might be pregnant, she said that she wished I had told her earlier, for there was a simple operation that I could have had that would have saved me from being in this terrible situation. When I asked her what that was, she explained that they could have removed the baby from me and I would no longer be pregnant. I then asked what happened to the baby and she said the baby died.  At that moment, I knew abortion was wrong and that it was murder. I was glad I hadn't told her earlier in my pregnancy.

Today, I know I and my baby were protected by God. That child was adopted. I was not traumatized by this incident, but felt guilt due to my actions. I took responsibility for myself, but was very afraid. My parents, trying to do their best, thought it would best for my benefit and theirs that we keep this pregnancy a secret. Not even the baby's dad was told. I was sent away, with a fabricated story. The baby was adopted and I thought I would never see my baby. I went back home, finished school, and I graduated from high school going on to the local junior college. At the end of my first year of college, I became involved with someone a little older than myself who vowed to love me forever. I finally confided in him about my child and the adoption. He didn't reject me. But it didn't take long before our relationship became sexual and I became pregnant for the second time.

This time we went to my parents. I thought we would either get married or I would go away again to have my baby, if he didn't want to marry me. But he did. My parents insisted that not only should we get married, but also, I should have an abortion. I didn't like the idea for I knew it was wrong.

Both my parents, his parents, and my boyfriend advised me to have the abortion. I fought the idea. One week later, I dreamed that my parents would never emotionally support me with their love, if I still chose to have this baby. I felt their love fading and I had already put them through great anguish, I believed, for having a baby at fourteen years old.

For my parents sake, the day after that dream, I went to my parents and told them I would have the abortion. My mom was instantly delighted. For she could now plan that "white wedding", she hoped for. (Isn't that a shame!) Everyone around me was supportive of my decision. My parents expressed great joy. I believed I was making the right decision. After all, parents are loving and protective. They wouldn't bring me danger nor would they want anything to hurt me. Arrangements for the abortion and the wedding were both made. My fiancée and I left that week for a little town where the plans had been made for the illegal abortion. I had no idea what was about to happen, but I presumed I was safe.

If there were any day I could undo, it would be that day. The abortion was terrifying, for I was in danger. I felt anything but safe. I was so glad to leave that place alive.  I was shaken, scared, and felt extremely weak. Secretly, we were taken back to the hotel.

Upon entering that old musty room, in the heat of the day, someone from above convinced me.  I thought it was the nurse that I saw at the place where I had the abortion.

Perhaps it was the voice of God, but she said angrily, "Look at what you've done!" I had killed my baby and my inner heart and soul broke. My life shattered. I cried like I never have before. Why had I done such a horrible thing? At the time I didn't ask myself, but I knew. It was to please my parents.

I felt convicted, shamed, and extremely broken. I had murdered my baby and I carried that weight of shame.

If I wasn't crying, I was numb. I tried to turn off my feelings, but didn't have much luck. I began drinking to escape. Both my husband and I drank a lot, after that. Yes, we were married, but on our honeymoon all I wanted to do was cry. I felt terrible. I hated that we were married and I wasn't pregnant. I hated myself.

My friends from school were partying, going to concerts. I started hanging out with them and started getting into drugs. I thought I found the cure all, with no hangover.

My marriage fell apart because I turned within and against, my new husband, and the world. I ran from myself, not caring who I hurt, because I was so hurt. The cycle that began after my abortion was self destructive and I didn't care, but at the same time, I knew there was something out there that would make me whole. I wanted that and searched for it. I looked in all the wrong places and was deceived by false spirituality. I couldn't live in my pain, so I took various pills to numb my pain.

The emptiness in my life increased along with the sin. The Lord led me into His Grace by allowing me to have other children, which were my saving grace.

Not only did I have the illegal abortion when I was nineteen, but I also had legal abortions, while under the influence of drugs. And I truly wanted to die.

Thank God, the Lord blessed me with a second child that gave me a reason to hold on and live for, or else I would not be alive today.

I was introduced to Jesus Christ and I accepted His gift of salvation, which has changed my life completely.  That was fifteen years ago.

As I first came to God, I felt I could never be forgiven nor could I ever forgive myself for murdering my children. That burden was still too great and I grieved. I was saved, but felt so terrible still for my sins. I didn't know how to deal with my life, but I applied all the godly principles I could as I learned them. No one spoke about abortion in our church. I certainly couldn't. I was a prisoner of Satan's within my mind from my great sins.

I challenged God, shaking my fist, "If you could make a blessing out of my life, then I will know that you are great".

Well, after another child (four counting my first) I knew I had to do something for myself, if I wanted to be free from my terrible burden. I became involved in pro-life post abortion counseling, which equipped me with the tools I needed to receive healing through forgiveness.

I learned about the Lord's forgiveness. Most importantly, I applied the commandment to forgive others, so I too would be forgiven by My Father in Heaven (the Lord's Prayer).

I also became aware that I had other repressed issues concerning sexual victimization's that predisposed my early sexual activities, that were in my life that also needed healing.

The Lord has brought me through every issue of pain in my past to a place of healing. I am so grateful for that. I have been so concerned for other women and men who have suffered such as I, that I have devoted ten years to the studying of post abortion trauma and what the necessary steps are to become healthy.

After years of gathering personal testimonies and one-on-one counseling, I have found again and again and have concluded that the core issues of abortion are repressed and unresolved grief, confounded with unhealthy, coping mechanisms.

In 1998 I began working on a Twelve Step Program for those suffering from the aftermath of abortion, designed specifically for the unchurched.  It is non-political, non-denominational, and non-judgmental program providing a safe place for individuals to come to share their burdens, grief, and insights regarding abortion. It provides an avenue for those suffering, to come into fellowship with God, in a Judeo-Christian Tradition.

Abanon is this program. I can only share with you that it has brought me into a new level of healing and forgiveness that I would have never known without my involvement. I can honestly state that I know without a doubt that I am forgiven by God and possibly more important to my spiritual health, I have forgiven myself through faith in our Lord and Savior. Abanon's goal is to bring this healing to all seeking it. Not in a half state of denial, but in truth with a personal relationship with God.

I am not intimidated by the word abortion any longer, in fact, I am empowered by it through the Grace of God. The Lord has convinced me that there is true healing when we come to terms with the abortions and the relating issues involved, but it takes time. It is not an easy quick fix.