I built a big brick wall around my heart

On Halloween morning of 1991, I found out I was pregnant. Although scared I was happy. I was only with my boyfriend for about 5 months. We were going through hard times though and we were splitting up (we already lived together).

When I moved into my mother's she was against me keeping the baby. She told me if I lived there I was not able to have a baby under her roof. So angry, hurt, confused, unemployed, insecure, scared and on a "time clock". (didn't want the abortion, didn’t want the abortion, didn't want development to go any further than needed) I buckled for lack of options (so I thought) and had an abortion.

My mother had paid for the abortion. I went to Planned Parenthood thinking I was 6-8 weeks but the doctor at Planned Parenthood said I was 9-11 weeks, I gasped! She saw my reaction and said, "You should have been counseled before to avoid development". All I could do was say that I never realized that I was far along. Then that horrible machine went on and in and the baby was vacuumed out of my womb. That sound I will never forget! The excruciating pain I will never forget! That day, that second I vowed I would never do that again. I cried for weeks every single night. Until I hardened my heart enough to bury it. Then I became destructive, sex, drugs, bars, alcohol, etc. mostly drugs. I thought I'd put it behind me. All I did was cover up my true pain with self-induced destruction from my guilt and shame. I built a wall (big brick wall) around my heart from then on. I wouldn't allow anyone to see the real me.

I buried myself deep. I tried suicide at least two times and fantasized about it many more times.

In June of 1994, I became a born again Christian, accepted Jesus as my Savior. I was totally delivered of my drug problem and my life.