I built a big brick wall around my heart
On Halloween morning of 1991, I found out I was pregnant.
Although scared I was happy. I was only with my boyfriend for about 5 months. We
were going through hard times though and we were splitting up (we already lived
When I moved into my mother's she was against me keeping the
baby. She told me if I lived there I was not able to have a baby under her roof.
So angry, hurt, confused, unemployed, insecure, scared and on a "time clock".
(didn't want the abortion, didn’t want the abortion, didn't want development to
go any further than needed) I buckled for lack of options (so I thought) and had
My mother had paid for the abortion. I went to Planned
Parenthood thinking I was 6-8 weeks but the doctor at Planned Parenthood said I
was 9-11 weeks, I gasped! She saw my reaction and said, "You should have been
counseled before to avoid development". All I could do was say that I never
realized that I was far along. Then that horrible machine went on and in and the
baby was vacuumed out of my womb. That sound I will never forget! The
excruciating pain I will never forget! That day, that second I vowed I would
never do that again. I cried for weeks every single night. Until I hardened my
heart enough to bury it. Then I became destructive, sex, drugs, bars, alcohol,
etc. mostly drugs. I thought I'd put it behind me. All I did was cover up my
true pain with self-induced destruction from my guilt and shame. I built a wall
(big brick wall) around my heart from then on. I wouldn't allow anyone to see
the real me.
I buried myself deep. I tried suicide at least two times and
fantasized about it many more times.
In June of 1994, I became a born again Christian, accepted Jesus
as my Savior. I was totally delivered of my drug problem and my life.