My heart is broken
My boyfriend and I were engaged, but mom couldn’t stand him. I was 19 years
old and wanted to keep the baby and get married. I really wish I had just done
that. My mother coerced me. My boyfriend was killed (decapitated) in a car
accident about six months later (after the abortion and after my father
threatened to shoot him.)
[It was] an assembly-line process. No one was there to talk me out of this. I
really wish someone had described my baby as a human being with fingers, toes
and a heartbeat! I know that I would have not been influenced into having an
abortion. I knew, deep down, that it was wrong, and even went out and drank a
whole bottle of whisky the night before.
I swept it under the rug for eleven years. My mom was relieved I guess. But I
felt horrible. My self esteem plummeted. I started dating my now husband and got
married one year after the abortion. My mom only tries to patronize me when I
bring it up with her. She still doesn’t think it was so bad.
Well, I gave birth to my daughter in 1993, and a son in 1995. This is what
opened my eyes to what love is all about. How could I have denied the existence
of the blessing inside me? I cast all of the mother nature instincts to care for
and protect my young aside. How could I? I somewhat resent my mom now, although
I try not to blame her for my actions.
The crying got so bad, I thought I was going crazy. I was depressed, but
couldn’t understand why. Then I read about the Partial-Birth Abortion and how it
is performed. That is what caused me to realize the atrocity of what an abortion
is. I realized that any abortion is wrong. It’s not just a blob of blood! It’s a
human being with a heartbeat. Abortion is an outrageous act of murder and should
never be permitted! Why is it legal?! When I think about these things, I can no
longer imagine this happened to someone else other than myself! Shame on me! I
began praying for guidance from the Lord. He led me to the right people who had
open ears and hearts (my closest friends, including my priest and a reverend).
Now, I will be undergoing post-abortion treatment/counseling offered through a
crisis pregnancy center.
(I only wish I’d consulted one of these centers at the critical time of
decision before the abortion took place!) I know that I would have changed my
mind, after listening to good, moral people. I would have given God a chance to
send His Spirit upon me and to do what was right. I keep dwelling on the past.
What I am experiencing however, is grief mostly! Songs such as "Jesus Loves Me"
or "I will Always Love You," (by Dolly Parton) or even "America the Beautiful,"
cause me to cry. I just didn’t give my baby a chance at life. I will never be
able to go back and undo what I’ve done (like so many other things can be
"fixed"). I’ll never be able to hold my baby and watch him/her grow up. This
just rips my heart wide open! I feel like a murderer and indeed I am. I want to
do everything I can do to help others stay clear from the path that I took. (I
absolutely love motherhood and would have 6 more children if I could.) I’ve
joined Georgia Right to Life. I’ve been writing letters to my politicians and
plan on volunteering at a Crisis Pregnancy Center after I have post-abortion
My life is nothing compared to what would be. I would feel wholeness and
complete, full of self-esteem if I had kept my baby. Now, I cry a lot and I want
to do everything I can in helping with the pro-life movement! My heart is