My heart still aches

I've just finished reading The Winter 1996 issue and feel I need to write to say thank you for what you are doing. I will try to send a contribution when I can because I do believe in your ministry.

I also feel a need to just tell someone else besides my husband how I'm feeling. I had my first abortion 27 years ago when I was 16 years old and exactly one year later when I was 17 years old I got pregnant again and had another abortion. I am now 42 years old and I still have dreams of holding a little baby in my hands or looking for a lost baby. My heart still aches. I've been married to the same man for 15 years. We have two sons 10 and 12 years old. My husband and I are recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. I've been sober and straight for 18 years, my husband for 20 years. The last 5 years I've been dealing with memories coming back through pastoral counseling, bible study, and through journal writing. (No hypnotism -- just the Holy Spirit).  In my early childhood I was raped at the age of four by my grandfather and he continued to molest me till he died when I was 9.

My symptoms from the abortions are also the same symptoms of being sexually abused as a child and my parents are also alcoholics. Sometimes I get confused about which symptom equals which problem. Maybe I am working on both the abortions and incest at the same time -- now let me tell you that really "feels" crazy! I went through some counseling at the crisis pregnancy center.