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Still feel shame for it

I was a teenager. I had a steady boyfriend. I was very much afraid to tell my dad, afraid of the labor and the pain. I was a chicken. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I think I wanted to believe it was just a little blob of tissue. I was afraid of going through a pregnancy, having a baby, the responsibilities.

I don’t remember that much. It’s a long time ago. I remember the people at the clinic talked to me and my boyfriend. They told us the procedures, risks, they did ask if we were sure this is what we wanted to do. But they didn’t show us information about fetal development—how developed a 7-week-old baby is in the womb.

The nurses were friendly. My boyfriend was not very supportive. I don’t think he really wanted me to have it, so I was upset about that. I think I just tried to not think about what was happening. After, I tried to forget about the whole thing.

When I became Christian, I heard believers talking about how terrible women who had abortions are. They were very condemning. I felt much shame and guilt. I didn’t tell anyone in church. I felt too ashamed. How could I tell them I had killed a life?

Recently went through PACE bible study through Crisis pregnancy center. Very helpful. Through God’s word, his timing, I was able to accept God’s forgiveness, forgive myself. Have only told one friend from church, still feel shame for it.

I know that my baby was not a blob, that he or she is in heaven with God. Makes me want to tell women what abortion really is. Through PACE, I learned so much more about God, his forgiveness, his love, his timing. I highly recommend PACE program.

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