What am I pushing, it’s just some cells?!
You’ve probably looked at my survey form and noticed that my abortion was in
1977 and that I did not check off a single topic. You might be thinking, that
was a long time ago, so how could she remember anything…I need to tell you
you’re wrong, for I do remember my abortion as if it took place just yesterday.
I remember going and how packed the waiting room was with girls of all ages. I
remember how scared I was and of not being sure of what was going to happen to
me. Blinded by fear…When it was my turn to talk to someone I had two questions
to ask, "Is this going to hurt?" and "What does it look like?" I was quickly
told, "No, it does not hurt," and "What you’ve got going on inside you is just a
clump of cells." I was 12, almost 13 weeks pregnant.
I wish I knew then what I do know now! That at 12/13 weeks my baby had a
heartbeat, could feel pain, had fingers and toes, had brainwaves, and all its
When it was my turn to have the abortion done, I do remember how very painful
it was. I was told to "push, push hard." I said, "What am I pushing, it’s just
some cells." I started crying and screaming, "Stop it, this is too painful." The
abortionist stood up and began yelling at me, "Shut up and just push!"
Afterwards, my baby was wrapped in plastic and thrown into a garbage can right
in front of me.
Lies had been told to me! It did hurt and that clump of cells was a baby. The
biggest lie comes afterwards, for I was told, "You’ll have a normal life after
it’s done." Not true! I left the clinic that day with such a heaviness. I felt
like such a low-life murderer. That I should be in prison. The fact is I did
live as a prisoner to my sin. Held in bondage to shame.
Here are some of the feelings I have felt for many years, that no one
prepared me for: Fear of God and what he must think of me, bitterness, anger,
depression, crying fits, shame, self-hatred, hatred for all involved with the
abortion, workaholic lifestyle, low self-image, marital problems, many difficult
male relationships, promiscuity, emotional fits, and most of all—and
My entire 20's were spent going from one relationship to another. For a
relationship to survive there has got to be love. Yet, how could I love another
person when I could not even love myself. I would go through 2 very abusive
marriages. Any time I would be abused, I would think, "I deserve this, I'm a
murderer." I would become a very angry person, not allowing anyone to get close
to me. I did not want anyone to know about my secret. Flashbacks would occur at
any time always drawing me back to what I had done. Reminding me of the horrible
thing I had done to my baby.
Nowadays, society tries to cover up the horror of abortion. Doctors, abortion
clinics, planned parenthood and even our government try to make abortion sound
normal, like an everyday occurrence, that it's no big deal.
Yet, the only sound I can hear is my heart crying out "Help me!" For what was
once growing and changing inside my womb is now gone. A baby, whom after nine
months should have been delivered as a living being, is now dead. It was not
just a blob of cells with no purpose, it was to be a child with fingers and
toes, a smile and a future.
No one can tell me different anymore. Abortion = death of a child.
After many painful years of being silent about my abortion, I have chosen to
come forward and help expose a huge lie. A lie told to generations of women who
have lost out on being moms to precious little ones. A few years ago, I went
through a post-aborted woman's group. There I met many women who felt just like
I did. I did receive help in dealing with my hidden grief, guilt, and many other
I thank God for His forgiveness. I pray I can be of help to other hurting
women. Women, such as myself, who realize too late, that they will miss holding
their babies, celebrate their child's birthdays and miss out on being called
P.S. I have just recently become a mommy--in my 40's. A miracle baby. God is
so good. He healed my emotions and hurts of my past and then allowed me to
become and to be called "Mommy" by my baby boy Samuel.