I want to thank you for your wonderful website! A mere five years ago I would
have been one of the pro-choice banner wavers...the young, self-centered,
"modern", wiccan who was all for abortion...and then due to my poor life
choices, I became pregnant and had an abortion. Why did I have the abortion when
I was three months away from being married (I was engaged)? Why did I abort a
child I had conceived with a man I loved? Why did I murder an innocent life?
Should I blame my mother to whom sex and pregnancy were always taboo (when I
went off to college she sarcastically said to me "I suppose you won’t come home
a virgin")? Should I blame my then fiancé (who wanted me to have the child)?
No, I blame myself. I was a "wiccan"- a pagan. I did not grow up in a house
with religion- my mother was raised Catholic and my father is Southern Baptist,
but the only church time I had were two Methodist weddings and my brother’s (16
years my senior) funeral (when I was 11). When I went to college I was
promiscuous- I thought that it "liberated" me- now I see what chains it gave me.
I was a "happy heathen"...and then I fell in love.
I knew he was "the one"- and I moved in with him. I was on "the pill"- we
planned a wedding. All the arrangements were made, then I found out I was
pregnant. He wanted me to keep the child- I was afraid (at 23) to tell my
parents. I was scared- I felt alone. My fiancé did not want to elope- that
scared me. So I decided to drive to the "women’s clinic" and have an abortion.
He went with me- I can’t imagine how difficult it was for him. He never said
a word that was negative to me- he held my hand, told me he loved me, and kissed
me before I went in. Of course I sat for hours in a room full of scared young
women before I went in...it was a meat market. Cattle herd. I even heard the
receptionist say "Clinic days are always like leading sheep through a chute"!
My first stop was a room where I was checked for Rh factor and a pregnancy
test. When the results were in, I was sent to a room where an ultrasound of the
baby was taken- there on a monitor was my child. There he/she was in black and
white and I ached. Then I removed my clothing, handed the nurse the sanitary
napkins one must bring (big note on wall WE DO NOT SUPPLY SANITARY PROTECTION),
and went into the surgical suite. There are three choices- one can be put under,
receive heavy sedation, or an injection similar to Novocain is injected into the
cervix. I knew what I was doing was a sin, somewhere in that pagan soul I knew,
and I opted for the local injection. I thought, and this is how a scared mind
works, "If I’m killing my baby I deserve to feel the whole thing". And felt it I
did- I will never forget the nurse who kept telling me "That’s alright, you cry,
nurse Ella will take care of you". I just squeezed her hand. I felt a strange
relief...I wasn’t nauseous (I had been nauseous for several weeks). Then I felt
as if I was in a strange cloud- a haze. Suspended realism. I did get married
three months later- that was five years ago. We have been best friends, constant
companions, comfort, and joy to each other ever since we said "I do". However,
we’re not who we were and all I can think is thank GOD that we grew together and
not apart.
I had this nagging urge to GO TO CHURCH. I am not from a very religious
background, but I knew that worshipping the pantheon of gods in the self-serving
way of the pagans was just not right. I was drained, sick of the emptiness and
despair. I told my husband of this- he told me, in his round-about way, he felt
the same. Here we were, married in a traditional Norse pagan ceremony,
collectors of tarot cards, pentacles, and running out in the woods to conjure up
our gods, thinking about church!
I went on-line and did actual research- I looked at the many protestant
sects: Methodist, Episcopal, Unitarian, Lutheran. I even checked out Evangelical
churches...and yet the only choice that seemed "right" was the Roman Catholic
Church. The very icon I spent years denouncing. I went to mass. I "followed"
what everyone was doing. To my amazement I remembered the Lord’s Prayer (my
grandmother taught it to me many, many years ago). I enjoyed the mass in the
small Connecticut town church. I felt at peace. I came home and told my husband-
to my amazement he was raised Catholic, went to CCD, was baptized and received
communion, but was not confirmed. I asked him why I never knew that- he comes
from a family where screaming and anger were common. His parents did not attend
our wedding- that is how little emotional support he received. He told me that
he tried to block it out of his mind- it reminded him of the childhood he didn’t
like. I told him to read the CATHOLICS FOR DUMMIES book I bought (hey I had to
start somewhere)- and he went to mass with me that following Sunday.
We haven’t missed a Sunday- it feels really good. I am in RCIA and will be
baptized, receive communion, and confirmed this year! I am very excited. We are
going to renew our vows in our church! We threw out our "pills"- we have
listened to God’s call and realize how many women are hurt by the lies of
birthcontrol and abortion. Not a day goes by I don’t think of my child- not a
moment I don’t wonder what would now be a five year old child would be doing.
But what kind of mom would I be if I were still a self-serving pagan? Jesus died
for our sins, and it took my child’s death to make me wake up.
I would tell any young woman wait until she is married to have sex- it is
such a beautiful and wonderful reaffirmation of your vows! If it sounds old
fashioned, so be it. I thought "sleeping around" made one a woman- luckily for
me, I met a wonderful man who changed my life. I would say if she does find
herself pregnant, that is a gift from God. I was on "the pill" and became
pregnant- that was a GIFT not a BURDEN! She should not be embarrassed or
ashamed- God has blessed her! God has need for her! She has purpose!
I wanted to thank you for your website- it is a wonderful resource. I saw
Father Pavone on EWTN and decided to check the website out. I want to thank you
for helping me along. I wish someone had actually STOPPED me. Now I have to wait
a lifetime to truly reunite my family. God Bless!
