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I really hoped that I would die

I was born in postwar Berlin, Germany. My mother was indoctirinated by Hitler under the Hitler Youth program. Her father died in a Polish prisoner of war camp from pleurisy and starvation. I heard about the atrocities and horrors of war all of my life. I remember always praying for peace as a young child. I grew up in West Berlin, Germany, White Plains, NY and Connecticut. I spent summers in Germany playing with kids who were refugees from East Germany or whose parents were communists. I visited the Wall where many lost their lives. It really affected me.

I had no father as a young child. I was born to a German mother and US soldier father who insisted that I be raised Catholic. The story goes that he was shipped off to Korea and no one heard from him after that. My mother and I emigrated to the USA where she went from job to job, state to state as a live-in housekeeper. It was a difficult time for me since I knew no English and was only 5 years old.

As time went on I was sexually abused by several men and my childhood desire to become a nun went by the wayside (I felt despoiled by what had happened to me). At 16 I started to drink heavily and became sexually active. I also started to cut my arms with a knife to ease the emotional pain. After more bad years in college which included marriage to an abusive bisexual who attempted to kill me and a difficult divorce, I found myself involved in several more superficial, unhealthy relationships.

Right after my adoptive dad had passed away, I found myself pregnant. I did not have a solid relationship with the father of this child. I also knew that he would want the child aborted. In addition, I had just started dating another man who was much nicer to me and so decided I must have the abortion in order to keep him in my life. He took me to the abortion clinic. I was afraid my mother would find out. She had always told me that if I ever got "in trouble" I shouldn’t bother coming home. (My parents had disowned me at age 19 for staying out late and coming home intoxicated.)

At the moment of the abortion, I felt I had done something terribly wrong. But it was too late. Up until that point I had looked at the whole thing as an intelligent thing to do and I considered myself an informed, intelligent person. I also told myself that no child deserved to go through the hell of a life that I had experienced. Prior to the abortion, in my way of looking at it, I felt that I was doing this child a favor. After the abortion I wished that I would die.

I got an infection and really hoped that I would die since I knew then that I had killed an innocent person and personally deserved death. Several years passed and I married the man who took me to have the abortion. I had children and always feared that something would happen to them since I didn’t deserve to have them after what I had done to their older sibling. The marriage was in trouble from the start. I continued down the slippery slope of depression and considered suicide too many times to mention. I got involved in the New Age and occult looking for relief from my problems and got into even deeper problems. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Fortunately, I went to confession and started to attend daily mass, pray the rosary, read the Bible, spend time in Eucharistic Adoration and attend charismatic prayer group. In addition I received good counseling at church. One step at a time, I attended support groups for the sexually abused, post abortive women, and AlAnon. These were all very helpful to me. The greatest gift of all, however, was coming to realize that the Lord loved me in spite of all that I had done. When I became aware of His mercy, compassion and great love... of his sacrifice on the cross for my sins.... it totally changed my life.

I started to make silk-screened t-shirts with Pro-life sayings and pictures of babies, got involved in the Pro-life effort. I still try to encourage others, especially the youth to become involved. Now I would like to become more involved by using the media to evangelize others to join the Pro-Life effort ...especially the youth. When I was a child I wanted to be a nun, when I was a teen I offered God my life "for the poorest children". Now I realize who the poorest children really are...the unborn.

Many years ago Saint Maximillian Kolbe appeared to me in a dream showing me where to take a pregnant girl who was on her way to have an abortion. … Recently I have had an abundance of dreams about the unborn and feel that I must get more involved.

After all I have experienced in my life I know that nothing is more important that serving the Lord and doing His will. I know that nothing is more powerful than the sacraments that our Holy Mother Church has available to us. There is nothing more effective, nor more important at this time than prayer and using every means possible to get the ProLife message and the message of Jesus Christ out to others.


Priests for Life
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