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I lived in daily fear of a miscarriage

I became pregnant in college at age 19. When I told my mom she said the doctor could give me a pill or something to make me start my period. I believed her. It was as if there was no baby - just a late menstrual cycle. The next thing I knew, I was having an abortion. We went to Planned Parenthood for "counseling," then for the abortion.

Tra[u]matic! It was like herding cattle in. We were lined up on a gurney in the hallway waiting for our turn. There was no privacy - just what ever it took to get the most women there in the least amount of time. I remember beginning to come to in the O.R. and seeing them perform the procedure on another girl.

For several years I couldn't even look at a baby without crying. I remember confessing to the parish priest that I had murdered my baby, so it didn't take long for me to realize the mistake I made here was a definite separation between me and God and I found a void in my life - a huge black hole. I thought God forgave me but I waited his judgement. I feared He would punish me by never letting me have children. Then at age 23 when after being married I again became pregnant. But I lived in daily fear of a miscarriage - again God's judgement for my sin. But He in His mercy allowed me to have a daughter, then 16 months later, another one. I then knew for sure He had forgiven me. But I still could not forgive myself. I hated myself and still cried often over the pain of the memory of murder. (Before I got married, while engage[d], I even considered suicide rather than deal with my "skeleton.")

I confessed my sin two weeks after, but didn't feel truly forgiven for five years. But I did not forgive myself. It took another five years and one year of bible study before I could forgive myself and begin to be myself as a unique creature of God with a meaningful and purposeful life. Even at this point I don't feel I ha[ve] dealt with it completely. Feb. 1990 my nephews' wife (after becoming separated) chose to have an abortion. I didn't know until after the fact. I relived the pain of my own experience as I wrote a letter to my nephew, confessing and exposing my own past sin. In writing this I am beginning to feel the healing. I know one day soon I will have to confess my sin to my children, that they may know the true story of pain an abortion brings, that they will not make the same mistake. An abortion is not the easy way out. It's now 16 years later and only now am I experienc[ing] healing.

I am completely aware of God's mercy and forgiveness. I've experienced His love even when I was unlovable. It is easy for me to forgive others and to accept them wherever they are in life. God has turned the consequence of my sin into a blessing when I was able to forgive my adulterous husband and accept him back. The words that rung in my head w[ere] "Father forgive them for they know not what they are doing!" Sin in our society today is usually due to blindness. We need to educate people to see the true - Abortion is Murder!

Priests for Life
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