I was 24 and single, I had quit college the month before graduation and was
working as a waitress. I had "fallen in love" with a college student who was
married, but not living with his wife. We had sex two times over a 6-month
period, the second time I became pregnant. I never told him, as he was also
involved with someone else and had told me frequently that he never wanted
children. He had taken his sister to Chicago for an abortion earlier that year.
So I felt that he would have just told me to do that also.
It was the worst day of my life - even now I can't remember many of the
details. It hurt and I was alone. The next day I developed an infection and had
to return to the clinic. The Dr. came in and called me by the name of another
woman who was in the waiting room. I was glad I had so much pain, because
otherwise I would have been completely numb. I couldn't cry, and never did until
two years ago when I finally went to confession and began counseling.
It has taken me ten years of self-hatred and distrust of others to finally
sink low enough to seek help. The year after the abortion, I moved by myself
across the country - became pregnant and married. After the birth of my child
and the desertion by her father, I realized that I needed God in my life to be a
good mother - but between the abortion and the birth of my daughter, I wished
many times to be dead myself.
About two years ago our diocese began advertising "Post-Abortion" counseling.
At the same time, I heard a sermon at Church in which the priest said that there
is no sin God will not forgive. This was the first time it had occurred to me
since the abortion that maybe I did have a chance at a good life and eternal
salvation. I went through counseling for 6 months through the Catholic Church -
nothing has ever helped me more.
Believe it or not, I was once a "good" person. I had never had a boyfriend in
high school, and was a virgin until my second year at college. After the
abortion, however, I "taught myself" to drink. I would drink myself to sleep
often. I never told anyone about it, as I had no close friends, and this
terrible secret then kept me from forming any future close relationships.
Although I now know God has forgiven me, I at times feel that I cannot forgive
myself. It will always be with me and I will always be sorry.
I wish I had the courage to give you my name, but I can't.