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Not One Good Reason…

I feel there were many reasons why I had the abortion. I want to say now that not one of them is a good enough reason. I felt very unhappy about myself and my relationship I had with the baby's father. I thought everyone would hate me if they found out I was pregnant, but if I would [have] had the baby which would have been my second, I thought they (meaning the people I loved the most) would not love me and not want me around. Other thoughts of how could I handle two kids. I want to be able to work and go places and not have to wait. I didn't want the baby's father to leave me. The more I thought about how people wouldn't love me for what I did (having sex) the more negative and selfish thoughts came in my mind. I can't say that the excitement and love the baby and I had wasn't there because it was. Both of us felt for each other and that's no bull. I could feel how sad and lonely the baby felt because of my thoughts and emotions. I had gotten myself almost totally numb with everything going on. The baby's father went with me and sat through the whole thing. I didn't tell anyone for a long time after it happened.

There was one other person who knew and he was a friend. He comforted me and helped me with all my feelings. The baby's father just didn't help much with that.

It was very frightening. It's hard to describe all my feelings through the about 4 hours you're there. At first you don't know what to expect. At first it looks like everything's going to go great. All the other people there all look so different. You hear some girls talking about how their lives will be so great after it's done and who's going to have a party. Some people are reading books just as if they were waiting for their turn at a regular doctor's office visit. Others just sit there doing nothing. When I went and saw all these things and people I was searching for a right or wrong answer. The should I or shouldn't I do this. I guess I just shut out the reasons why I shouldn't do it. All of the sudden when you think of excuses to leave someone calls your name for a blood test. They say the test is to make sure you're pregnant. They also ask you if you want the shot so you won't feel anything, meaning the physical pain. I said no. I thought it would be alright.

You wait again for about 15 minutes, but you wait in a room with the couple of other girls they had called back the same time they called you. After that little wait they give you a gown and put you in your own room. The baby's father got to come with me . In there you wait 5-10 minutes before the doctor comes in. It's hard for me to describe the parts coming up now. I have never written or talked deeply about this part.

First I have to say I felt very much like a piece of meat. I want to point out that no one asks you if you want to change your mind. At least with me the question never came up. The baby's father also was very quiet. Well you assume the position and it was hard for me to have a man I didn't know looking at me. He opens your vagina and says he's going to start opening the uterus. This is a small rod. I definitely felt the tissue tearing apart and exactly where the rod ended up. Then he says he's going to open it some to get a bigger rod in there so he will be able to hitch up the vacuum. He started doing that and I couldn't handle the pain anymore and I screamed.

He told me to shut up, that no one was allowed to scream. I was also crying. Well because I couldn't scream, the baby's father and the nurse both held my hand. After I had been opened enough he started to suction the baby out. The baby or for me the babies were hiding to the left. He had troubles getting the baby out. It's very hard when you can feel that baby grasping for you and wanting you to take him or her in your arms and not let them go. For me the doctor had to suction a second time, because he didn't get it all. My attitude and feelings had then turned around when I saw how much that child didn't want to come out, but it was too late. I just cried after that and just wanted to go home. After that I just thought about how that baby was in a bucket crying out to me in shame and disappointment but also wanting me to come and get him. I still to this day believe it was a boy. Then when you know the trash has been taken out you see him calling from a plastic bag in a dumpster. I was in tears all the way home and still think about him to this day and cry. It's been 6 1/2 years. I'm 23 now.

For the longest time I just tried to put it behind me and forget it. I also prayed to God that if I had another child that it would be the same spirit and soul of the baby I had killed. I'll never know if that's what happened or not till I die and I have a chance to discuss with the Lord where that soul is. But I did have twin sons after that. It makes me wonder.

With the baby's father it's something that happened and that's it. I'm not sure about other people's feelings. I wasn't really enlightened to them.

I cry when I need to. Talk to the baby and the Lord when I need to. I also buried him at a funeral they had in Milwaukee for aborted babies. Even if my child's body wasn't in any of the caskets, he was to me. These things have helped me deal with what I did. But also that child lives in me every day and how he died.

I guess because it has taken so long for me to deal with it, the changes are taking more of an effect now in my life. It's something I won't do again. Also, it's helping me make decisions in my life today. It's helped me help other girls understand how important life is and how that child should have the right to live.

Priests for Life
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