When I was 18, I became pregnant. When I first found out, I never thought of
having an abortion as I knew it was wrong. I thought I would give the baby up
for adoption. I phoned one of my sisters. She was shocked, of course and said
she would tell our older sister, who called me later and suggested I think of
having an abortion. She said it would kill mom if she found out and that I
wouldn’t have the heart to give the baby up for adoption as I loved babies so
much. She said she would set up an appointment with her doctor. I asked her if
it was wrong because it was a baby. She told me that the fetus wasn’t a baby
yet, it was just a blob of tissues and plasma. Feeling scared and trusting her
statement that the fetus was not a baby yet, I let her arrange everything. I
flew to [another city] to see her doctor and a gynecologist. I remember the
gynecologist’s clean hands and cold manner. He made me feel so stupid for
becoming pregnant. About a week later, I went [back there] for a week, lying to
my parents about why I was going.
I would describe my abortion as the worst day of my existence. My sister
drove me to the hospital and left after I had changed. A nurse took me to a bed
to wait. Lying there waiting, I wanted so much to get up and leave. I didn’t
want to go through with it. The nurse came and gave me something so the
anesthetic wouldn’t make me sick. She asked if I knew why I was there. I said,
"to have an abortion." I really wanted to say, "to kill my baby." I remember
saying the sign of the cross over my tummy as if to baptize my baby. In the
operating room, I remember them putting my legs in stirrups and commenting
how long it was taking me to go under. Finally, I woke up after with terrible
tummy pains and threw up several times due to the anesthetic. The nurse brought
me some pain killers. My sister picked me up. She asked me if I felt
relieved. I said, "I guess."
After I returned home, I kept to myself. I didn’t get out with my friends. At
college, I did homework in the locker room. About 2 1/2 months later, I visited
the father. After spending a few days together I asked if he ever wondered what
I had been up to in the last 5 months. I told him about the abortion. He felt
bad and said he should have been with me. After that visit, we never really
stayed in touch. That summer, I went a bit crazy and sent him pictures of
aborted fetuses and what 11 week old fetuses looked like. I included an epitaph,
"In loving memory of Stewart Maureen, Jr., October 7-December 11". Looking back,
I can’t believe I did that. But I wanted him to feel as bad and guilty as I
felt. I think my sister felt bad about what had happened as she had
introduced me to the father that summer. My other sister, I’m sure, felt we did
the right thing. She supports abortion. No one else in my family knows.
(Parents, two other sisters and a brother.)
Right after the abortion, I went to the priest in another parish (I’m
Catholic but this has little to do with my feelings on abortion). I felt so bad
and guilty. I explained what had happened as my confession. I was so afraid that
God would never forgive me. The priest was very understanding and told me that
God did forgive me. As contrition, I was to read a book about why abortion was
wrong. Despite what the priest said, I felt God had not really forgiven me
because I had not forgiven myself. Throughout the years, whenever something
hasn’t worked out or gone right for me, I tell myself it’s my punishment for
what I did. And I suppose, even today, I have never really forgiven myself. I’ve
tried to rationalize it, saying it was for the best, but here was no excuse for
the abortion. I even wrote a poem to the baby:
FOR MY LITTLE ONE
I am sorry my baby, my little one.
You were killed by the one who loved you the most.
For the months I carried you,
Flesh of my flesh, flesh of his flesh.
I felt your every move, I could feel you ….
But I was too young, I did not know.
Your father, my little one, did not know you.
You are a boy, a man like him.
I call you Stewart William, like him.
You have curly, brown hair like him.
Your face is his face.
I love you like I love him.
I have no excuses.
I saved you from a world
Where babies are killed by the ones
Who should love them the most.
You are safe with God now.
If I should ever have another child,
You must remember that I will always love
You the most, my first baby.
Sleep well, my little one.
Very few people knew what happened. My parents and the rest of the family
still do not. I wish I could go public and tell of my terrible experience but
then it really would have all been in vain. The past few years, I have become a
strong pro-lifer. I have read much on the issue including the arguments put
forth by pro-choice. Not one of these arguments has convinced me that what I did
was right. It was wrong on all accounts. I killed another human being and I must
live with that for the rest of my life.
My abortion, at the very most has given me a respect for life. I know that
life begins at conception. This is a medical fact. My involvement in the
Pro-Life Movement has helped relieve some of the guilt. I created a button that
is becoming quite popular. It’s a picture of an 8 week-old fetus with the saying
"Keep your laws off my body." I enjoy making pro-life slogans from pro-choice
ones. It makes the pro-choice argument look awfully stupid. Three years ago, I
became pregnant again (I was/am single). The nurse at the hospital was ready to
fill out an abortion form when I said I was keeping it. I would not hear of an
abortion. I told my two friends I would kill myself before I killed another
The first family member I told was my older sister, as I knew she was
pro-life and would help me. My parents took it hard at first but they did
survive and love my son to pieces. Ironically, my due date was December 11th,
the same date as the abortion. He was born two weeks early though at 11:12 p.m.
(11th day of the 12th month -- Dec 11th) I sometimes wonder of the significance
of this coincidence. Though I am single, my life is great. I have a wonderful
son who is the most precious person in my life. I was so worried that I would
miscarry or he would die of SIDS as another punishment. But he hasn’t. He is a
I am presently completing my Bachelor of Education degree. My son and I
live with my parents and will do so until I finish school. Whenever the abortion
topic is brought up, I speak up and give my strong and well-supported arguments.
I feel/know that there are no good reasons to abort. Adoption is the only
alternative to those who don’t want the baby. No one has the right to kill
another human being. Because I have been through both scenarios. I feel I can
make this statement. I know how it feels in both cases. Having my son, giving
him life, has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I support all women
who are faced with an "unplanned" child. Abortion is wrong and is an act of
selfishness, greed and vanity. No woman should have to live in a society that
makes them feel they have to "choose" abortion. The very fact that no one likes
to discuss their abortion is proof enough that abortion is a terrible event in a
I hope this account helps your study. I have tried to be as accurate as
possible in the telling, though, it happened seven years ago. I know I’ve
experienced post abortion syndrome and am slowly letting myself heal. I can’t
change the past but I can help the future by sharing my ordeal.