I was 19 and thinking I was so grown up, able to make my own choices and of course I would never, couldn’t get pregnant. Well, I did. I don’t even remember how I even thought I was pregnant, but I went to a woman's center -- they no longer are there --  and the test came back positive. I often wonder how accurate their tests were because until this day I have to have blood tests to find out for sure if I’m pregnant, urine tests do not come out positive for me! But in that case, the urine test came back positive. I was in shock. They didn’t give me any other choices, just when would you like to terminate. I did inform the father, he was in as much shock as I was. But he was young, we thought there was no other choice.

The second time around, I couldn’t believe me. I had been using the diaphragm routinely. Although there was one time and I thought I was in a relatively safe time of the month. Well, I was royally wrong. However this time I wanted to A) get married and have the baby or B) have the baby and put the baby up for adoption. But at the cinic neither of these made anyone smile. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I mentioned adoption. The clinician I was talking to got very cold and the others turned to stare. On top of that, they had no information on lawyers or any adoption agencies to get in touch with.

I justified the second abortion -- too much Valium one night (after being robbed at gunpoint); and advice from friends and the father.

Both of these situations were relatively incident free. The doctors were competent, the clinics seem to be clean. The second one was worse because I knew what I was doing was stupid and from experience I knew I was killing!

I’m not sure how my abortions affected others. I since have married the father of the second aborted baby. We never talked about it As for me, there’s not one day when I’m not wondering what those babies would be like. I could have made 2 families very very happy and complete. Sometimes there is such a depression.

I have not done anything to deal with this. I have tried to cover them up. My mom knows of the first and not the second. My husband, knows of the second but is not aware of the first. I wonder sometimes what to do, then I wonder if I have enough money to go through a therapy program.

I don’t know how the abortions changed my life . I’m not sure what my life would have been like. I do know that somewhere, somehow, something has to be worked out.