The doctor laughed at me and my "beliefs"
I was pregnant by my boyfriend at the time. I rang the Family Planning
Association and was counseled to wait until I knew definitely of the pregnancy
and was given the address of a clinic. I had to phone for an appointment. My
boyfriend took me to the clinic and then home again.
My reasons for having the abortion were, 1) my boyfriend never mentioned
marriage; 2) I was just about to start a job in another state. Until then I had
been studying; 3) the shame of being an unmarried mother and admitting to
the world I had been having sex. (My immediate and some extended family were
staunch Catholics. I also had a very "good" image at that time.); 4) The
possibility of moving to another state and having my baby adopted was a) too
inconvenient because of starting the new job, and b) difficult because I
am a very maternal person and I don’t know if I could have given the baby away.
The abortion was humiliating. I was extremely ashamed, mainly because I
didn’t even believe in abortion at the time. The doctor laughed at me and my
"beliefs" and explained about the vacuum. Everything was clean and clinical.
When I was recovering in a cubicle I was given a packet of contraceptive pills.
I bled very little.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He never mentioned the abortion. I don’t know
why. I had actually tried to pretend to myself that I wasn’t really pregnant in
the first place, which didn’t work because deep down I knew I had been. I had
shocking guilt. No one else knew about the abortion.
I went to a Priest who talked it through. I couldn’t get absolution from the
confessional at first because I thought that if the same thing happened again, I
might do it again. I spoke to a second priest in confession and was eventually
given absolution -- although I didn’t feel forgiven for a
few years. The thing that has helped the most has actually been time
(abortion occurred in 1980).
I think I’m a bit more compassionate towards people in desperate situations
(especially abortion). I have joined a pro-life group because I believe so
firmly that abortion is wrong. At first I didn’t think I was worthy. I have
agreed to counsel women/girls post-abortion. If it hadn’t been for my abortion,
I may not have seen this as important.
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