But still there is pain…

I had two abortions - one at 16 years of age and another at 21. (Doctors [were involved]).

The first I had because my mother arranged it. The second one I arranged in Tijuana with a doctor. I "came to" under the anesthesia and gasped for breath. At the time I realized that the "baby" needed baptism, but I didn't know how to do it and was too embarrassed to ask to see the remains and do the baptism.

I have never forgotten them (Especially the second one). I married the father and we went on to have four children. I still "mourn" the child I killed. I look at my children and wonder what the child would have looked like. He or she is always with me (my "phantom" child). The baby never had a chance.

I have done nothing other than speak out privately against abortion and support [pro-life groups].

There is always that feeling of regret. I can only say that I revile the actions I took just so that there would not be a scandal. I frequently have stabs of pain in my heart. This is a feeling I live with. I know I have been forgiven but still there is pain.