I feel a void in my life

A. (1st abortion) I was 17. My boyfriend was 16 and he suggested abortion. I didn't know what to do and I was scared and let him make this decision without much discussion about alternatives.

B. (2nd abortion) At 23, my boyfriend just graduated college and was not ready to settle down. He threatened me with going to bars all the time without me if I kept the baby. Adoption was lightly considered. I was scared.

Were you given adequate information and counseling prior to the abortion(s)?

A. I was asked if this is what I wanted. I answered yes, though it was obvious that I was distraught. No information pertaining to the fact that I was going to kill a living baby. No counseling.

B. Same as above - it seemed they held back in becoming involved lest I changed my mind. No counseling.

A. Emotional - relatively little physical pain/cramping. I cried during the procedure. The nurses and doctors were sympathetic.

B. Angry emotions - doctor was cold and insensitive. He was not gentle. The speculum pinched me, great cramping, jerky motions of the doctor. I was resisting, pulling away, and almost backed out, but the doctor ordered a sedative and before I knew it, it was over. If I had had a few moments to compose myself, I would have left with the baby.

I have much emotional pain and guilt. My parents know about A. and we don't talk about it. I don't see the boyfriend. He has since apologized for the way he acted. I married boyfriend B. We have a two year old, who took three years of trying to get. Lots of emotions about our first baby we aborted. We realize how precious little lives are especially after having two early miscarriages.

I have tried to block out my abortions. I have depression most of the time since the birth of my daughter, but consider my spiritual life a major component in my spiritual healing. I am now seeking therapy via a social worker and psychiatrist and my gynecologist is helping me with possible PMS. I feel very messed up mentally. I am working on what all the causes are for my depression.

I now have only one child and not three. I was able to go to and complete college. I am angry about the misinformation I was given at age 17 and 23 about abortions. I am saddened that I will never know my first two children here on earth. At times I feel a void in my life.