I was given another chance

At the age of 14 I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't know exactly what to do. My life at that time consisted of getting high on whatever was around and staying up all night. Taking care of a child was not in my plan. When I found out I was about 8 weeks pregnant, I was so shocked. It was the first time I had ever been to a gynecologist and I was with my mother. Luckily my doctor did not tell my mom. I had to hide it from her. That was so hard. 

I erased it from my mind and continued going about my normal ways -- meaning staying up all night partying, never thinking about what was really happening inside of my body. The father cared just about as much as I did. He gave me drugs and alcohol knowing that I was pregnant with his child. 

Well, I let two months pass. Now I am four months pregnant and I am starting to show. My mom and sister asked me if I was pregnant but of course I lied. I had such a bad drug problem that nothing mattered to me at all except for this guy that I had that I thought loved me so much -- little did I know. He never even talked to me about the situation. So, I talked to a friend's mom that I knew and I knew that she was the only one that I could talk to about this. She tells me to go sign up for medical and make an appointment to have an abortion. So, I go to the doctor and talk to her and then it hit me. What was I really doing? To myself, to this unborn child inside of me?

I talked to a counselor and decided that I was going to continue the pregnancy. Two weeks later I go in for my ultrasound. I got a lot of tests done and the doctor said that the baby had not formed right from the beginning and that I had about an 85 % chance of having a baby with defects. I was so broken up about it I decided that I was going to have an abortion. So I make an appointment for the procedure. I thought that I was just going to go in there and get this over with and leave. It wasn't as easy as I thought. 

A good friend of mine went with me and was very supportive. So, I sit there for about 2 hours when I finally go into this room where it is so cold I had goose bumps. I was notified that it was a three day procedure and that the first day I was just going to be dilated. I was so scared. The nurse that did this was so short with me and had no idea how bad she really did hurt me. After that was over I went home and was in so much pain on the way home I couldn't stop moving. So, I have to go home and I thought I was going to die. I was in so much pain I called the doctor's and they said it would go away. I wake up the next morning and go again. I was so happy because I thought that they were going to remove what they had inserted. They didn't they put more in and that was the worst of it all. I couldn't handle the pain and they wanted me to sleep like this. I said no way please give me some pain killers or something. They didn't give me anything. I guess that they wanted to teach me a lesson. 

The next day was a Saturday when I went in for the actual procedure. Everything turned out okay and the surgery wasn't even as bad as the two days prior. I left crying and very upset. For the next two months I went through a very hard time of depression. My mom wondered what had happened. I went back to drugs and my life was right where I had began. I broke up with the guy. I was with him for almost two years and I realized that he never cared for me from the beginning or about that child.

About a year after the procedure I had pains all the time and I just knew that something was wrong. I went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with Endometriosis. All they did was put me on Birth control pills and told me this happened because I had my abortion done so late in the pregnancy. I thought that I would never be able to have children. I tried to commit suicide and overdosed on some sleeping medicine. My life I hated. My body I hated. I still blamed myself for killing my baby. But the reason was because I think I did it for the wrong reasons. My parents put me into a rehabilitation center and I turned sober on my own. I stopped blaming myself for what I did. But came to the conclusion that I what I did was best for me.

Four years later I get pregnant again. The guy ends up being a little crazy and I had another abortion. He pressured me and I did what he wanted even though I knew that I wanted to keep this baby. I went to a counselor and talked to my parents and decided that I was going to have an abortion. This time I was only 5 weeks pregnant so the procedure was quite different. I dealt with it and went on with my life. 

Three weeks after the procedure I started cramping and bleeding really bad. I then went to the hospital and they told me I was miscarrying. I thought, "How? I just terminated my pregnancy!" So, they ran tests and found a lot of left over tissue that was not removed properly. I still didn't understand. So, I went back to the doctors were I had the surgery done and insisted on talking to the doctor who performed the surgery. They refused on me seeing the doctor but told me that I was going to have to undergo another surgery to properly remove the tissue or it could permanently scar me. So, I went through another surgery so they could remove anything that was left over and how sorry they were that this happened. 

I then went for my two week check-up telling the nurse that I had still had some bleeding. I got an ultrasound done and the doctor looked over the results and told me that they think they want to put me under again because there was still tissue in there. Considering that they messed up the first time then went back and removed anything that was there, it seemed pretty strange that there was still anything left to be removed. I went for a second opinion. My family gynecologist and she and two other doctors went over some more tests and said that there was no left over tissue and that the cramping is normal and that I should look into finding more about this doctor and what really went on. My father wanted to pursue a lawsuit but we decided to go against that. 

So, I was fine and had no more complications. But did some researching on what is really supposed to go in the surgery room found out that there is only allowed legally one doctor and two nurses allowed in the room. When I went under the second procedure there was six people in the room I never even met the doctor. I was used as their guinea pig. The students must have done the procedure on me that were in training. I should have filed a lawsuit but I just wanted to leave it alone.

It's now September of 1999. I am 19 years old and am four months pregnant and am keeping my baby. I am so happy about my decision. My life has turned a complete 180 and my head is now focusing towards the right direction. So, far everything is okay and the baby is healthy so far. If there are any complications due to my previous surgeries I will be pressing a lawsuit on the clinic that performed the surgery. Let's hope that I have a beautiful, healthy baby and that everything is normal. Things have been rough and I've got through them. But I would never advise someone to do what I did because I have emotional scarring. That will never go away. Some girls don't see this as being a big deal. But if you have any doubts in your mind that what you are doing is wrong, never do it. Your instincts are usually right. I wish that I would have gone with mine. But all you can do is accept it and move on.

I want to thank you for listening to my story and I hope that someone will read this and think about they're choice long and hard before they make their decision. I know that I didn't -- The best advice I would give is to always listen to your heart and not to get influenced by others. It's hard when so many people have different opinions. Don't make the mistakes I did. I am just thankful that I was given another chance. Somebody had to have been listening to my prayers. Thank you again for taking the time to listen to me. I hope that I have reached out to someone.