I wanted to get off the table and run

I was in college, my fiancé was involved. I went to a Planned Parenthood. They referred me to an "abortion counselor" who was no more than a referral agency for the abortion clinic. All she wanted to discuss was birth control and the IUD.

I tried to block the abortion out of my mind. I was very nervous and cold. They gave tranquilizers to those who wanted it. It was done on a group basis. Everyone showed up at one time - went through one by one to pay - then each step (change into a hospital gown - check urine and blood pressure, tranquilizer - then waiting), wait "my turn". 

It hurt! I panicked and they just wanted me to be still. I wanted to get off the table and run. Reality finally hit - but it was too late. The damage was done.

It took 10 years for the abortion to manifest itself. It started with the pregnancy of my first child. I was denying the pregnancy stages and when he was born, I couldn't believe it was a real baby that had been in me. I was somewhat panicky during the first year of his birth that something would happen to him and I would lose him or he would be maimed for life and it would be my fault.

Ironically, I was uncommitted how I felt about abortion. I didn't want to say no - for fear of condemning myself - but I knew it was wrong, but feared the reality of admitting it. I was led to become involved with a crisis pregnancy center. As I went through training, my emotions overwhelmed me from 10 years ago. For the first time I confessed it and told someone about it.