More Traumatic than Cancer

My ob/gyn doctor gave me the name of someone who would perform the abortion. This was prior to Roe vs. Wade and he would not write down the name for me since at that time abortion was against the law. I was about 18 and it was my first experience with sex. The man involved refused to help me financially; abortion was against his religion.

I felt that the persons performing the procedure were just about the most insensitive individuals I had ever met. They chatted about inane things and treated me as though I were not a person to whom something very traumatic was happening. At first, they asked for a very large amount to do it, and ended up doing it for $50.00.

Three years after the abortion I married a wonderful person. I wanted children desperately; we never had them and ever since I have felt that it was because of the abortion, that possibly somehow in destroying my baby something happened which prevented me from conceiving. I never told my husband or my parents about the abortion.

I guess I never have dealt with the abortion. Putting all this down on paper has brought it back so vividly, even after all these years. I've had cancer and even the memory of what I went through at that time is not as traumatic as the memory of destroying my baby. I know God has forgiven me. I wish I could forgive myself. Possibly my way of "dealing" with it has been to just not think about it. It's too difficult.

I look around at other widows in my age bracket, all of whom without exception have children and grandchildren. Sure they have problems, but loneliness is not one of them. I try to keep busy with volunteer work and bridge and golf, but it's not the same. I do think, though, that because of the abortion I have become a more prayerful person. Maybe I'm still asking God for forgiveness, I don't know.