More Traumatic than
My ob/gyn doctor gave me the
name of someone who would perform the abortion. This was prior to Roe vs.
Wade and he would not write down the name for me since at that time abortion
was against the law. I was about 18 and it was my first experience with sex.
The man involved refused to help me financially; abortion was against his
I felt that the persons performing the
procedure were just about the most insensitive individuals I had ever met. They
chatted about inane things and treated me as though I were not a person to whom
something very traumatic was happening. At first, they asked for a very large
amount to do it, and ended up doing it for $50.00.
Three years after the abortion I married a wonderful person. I wanted children
desperately; we never had them and ever since I have felt that it was because of
the abortion, that possibly somehow in destroying my baby something happened
which prevented me from conceiving. I never told my husband or my parents about
I guess I never have dealt with the
abortion. Putting all this down on paper has brought it back so vividly, even
after all these years. I've had cancer and even the memory of what I went
through at that time is not as traumatic as the memory of destroying my baby. I
know God has forgiven me. I wish I could forgive myself. Possibly my way of
"dealing" with it has been to just not think about it. It's too difficult.
I look around at other widows in my age
bracket, all of whom without exception have children and grandchildren. Sure
they have problems, but loneliness is not one of them. I try to keep busy with
volunteer work and bridge and golf, but it's not the same. I do think, though,
that because of the abortion I have become a more prayerful person. Maybe I'm
still asking God for forgiveness, I don't know.