I was involved in a lifestyle of drugs and partying. I
was looking for love. I thought in order to obtain it, I needed to give all
of myself away. Although I never planned this ahead, I became pregnant and
unwed myself.
The abortion was uncomfortable: I was only 2 months, each of the three times
I aborted. I saw nothing and knew nothing until later in life. The nurses wore
smiles and were friendly. The doctors were aloof and detached.
For years I wouldn't think about it. I hid from the memory because there was
always a doubt that what I had done wasn't okay. It would try to surface on
occasion and I would suppress it. It would surface in other ways as I observe
with hindsight and I'm sure my husband and children were knowingly affected.
I gave myself to the Lord. And all at once for the most part. I gave the
guilt over to Him. I recently attended a post abortion group, "Women of Ramah"
and this very much helped to sew up some loose ends of my experience.
My self image was subconsciously lowered more so than it already was. But the
damage that was done was repaired by God's hand and not only healed but used for
His glory to minister to others and to help me remember what I am without Him.
I am sitting in the jury assembly room waiting to be called for jury duty.
The TV is on and people are all around me, talking and laughing. I'm surprised
that I could even concentrate to think about answers to the questions. I hope
they're helpful.
