I was a senior in college. My boyfriend had told me
months before that if I ever became pregnant he would talk me into having an
abortion. I knew as soon as I learned I was pregnant that I could never rely
on him to see me through the pregnancy and certainly not as a husband. My
mother was shell-shocked already, dealing with my younger brother having
conceived a child out of marriage, my sister dropping out of high school and
moving to another state and my youngest sister attempting suicide all in 1
year. My father has always been unapproachable. I felt alone. I knew
adoption was the right thing to do. One of my sisters, however, had been
adopted and was verbally and emotionally abused by my father for years. I
was afraid of my child going through this and me not knowing, not being able
to help. I talked myself into the abortion.
It was the worst day of my life. It was as though I had a veil behind my
eyes. I could see and go through the motions but my feelings and spirit were
completely cut off. I barely spoke to anyone. I physically went through with it
but my heart and soul had been left behind. They could not have gone through
with it.
It left a huge part of myself walled in and virtually dead. For years, I
rationalized that I had to do it. Tried to atone for it by self-sacrifice, told
myself if I had another unplanned pregnancy I would prove I could do the right
thing, but was grateful it never happened. I never spoke of the experience.
Denied it to myself and most significant, to my husband. My husband has suffered
greatly, from the knowledge that I could actually do such a thing and from the
fact that I lied to him about it on 2 separate occasions. This injury to him has
added greatly to my regrets about the abortion and my actions during years of
denial.
I have only recently begun to deal with this and am feeling tremendous sorrow
and pain. In time, I know there will be healing. I pray a lot. I examine myself
and try to change my character faults and build my self-esteem. I have told each
member of my family and a few friends and their reactions have given me insight
into their individual characters and my relationship with each.
The abortion has done 2 things: it made facing myself and my family's
difficulties much more difficult. The years when I could have been dealing with
these things have been wasted. Second, it has cast a shadow over my life. No
matter how successful I may be as a wife and mother, there will always be a
bitter memory that I failed horribly as a mother to my first child.
