The first abortion was after a forced sexual encounter. I guess I can't say I was raped. But I was afraid of the man and afraid to say no. He was my instructor and twice my age. I was 19 years old. I came from a strict Pentecostal family who would have disowned me for being pregnant and when I went to the doctor she told me it (the abortion) was very safe, virtually painless, and would feel like some menstrual cramps. She said I would be sedated and they would use a suction machine and suck the "tissue" out. 

The procedure was extremely painful. One of the most painful experiences of my life. Not to mention the emotional pain I suffered afterwards. I might add, no one bothered to tell me about that type of pain either. A year later I was taking birth control pills religiously (even though I didn't date for about 6 months after the abortion, I was so emotionally drained and angry) and had been on antibiotics for 6 months for an infection. 

I got pregnant. Had every intention of having the baby. I ended up at 3 1/2 months having one. My friend was dating a doctor and he said it wouldn't be a smart idea to have a baby with all the drugs I had ingested for 6 months. So at 4 months I decided to have the abortion. I went to Planned Parenthood for "advice" and my second abortion. I told them I did not want to be in so much pain and they assured me I wouldn't. 

When the procedure started it was "terribly painful".  I started crying, the nurse got frustrated and the doctor got aggravated and gave me a large injection of some kind of narcotic. Which made me deathly ill. He ended up having to give me something to counteract the narcotic. I was very nauseated and vomited for about 48 hours. I also had so much bleeding, they gave me vitamin K and sent me home. 

During the night I started hemorrhaging and passing large clots like pieces of liver. I was in an apartment by myself with no phone and 60 miles from the clinic. I was bleeding so hard when I stood up blood would run to my ankles, when I finally got out and found someone to go back to the clinic with me. 

I was told at the clinic that it was a common occurrence when they don't get all the tissue and hemorrhaging occurs. I had to have another D&C. Incidentally the father would have nothing to do with me after the decision I made. It was something I couldn’t talk about. I tried to talk with my husband 10 years ago before we became Christians but he said he just couldn’t discuss it with me. Which made me feel even worse. 

I hated pro-life and now I understand why, once I started dealing with it. If I ever listened to pro-life I would have to admit I was a murderer. I have been a Christian for almost 5 years and the last 3 months I have healed so much. I read the book "Tillie" and cried all day. One of the ladies from Church who is involved with pro-life, right after I became Christian had ask me to go to a pro-life march. I told her "no way". I said to do that would be hypocritical and I told her I had had an abortion when I was younger. It was really strange how the events started occurring in 4 days. My sister and I exchanged books to read and "Tillie" was one of them. She later told me it was intentional but tried to do it subtlety. She was the only one in my family who knew about it and that was all.

In the 4 day span she gave me the book and the friend who I had refused to go to the pro-life march with approached me and asked me if I would be willing to come forward with my story and maybe help someone else not to allow this to happen. And later the Lord started really dealing with me to share. I prayed a lot about it and read various materials which has helped me. Since the healing process has started I've shared with our close friends and some of our family. My husband and I have been able to discuss it more. I attended a march against pro-abortion and the Planned Parenthood. I will be speaking at our church's pro-life meeting. I am very anxious about this first public talk but I know this is something I must do to stop the killing of innocent children.

My abortions have cheated me out of a lot in my life, number one being two children.  I know I was very fertile before I had the abortions but it took me 2 1/2 years to get pregnant with my child and we have been trying about a year or so now with no luck. Plus I was very much so under Satan's bondage for the guilt I felt. But thank God for his grace. I've finally learned that Christ covered that sin of murder on the cross and I've learned to forgive myself. That's not saying I felt that what I did was not murder but rather my ignorance is what robbed me of 2 children.