I Still am Tearful

I have recently completed a year of intense counseling for depression from traumatic childhood experiences and post-abortion syndrome. It is only now that I have been able to talk about my two abortions and how they have severely impacted my life and also my husband's life.

My first abortion was in 1979 at the age of 20 shortly after I was married. I found I did not want to be married to my new husband, nor did I want a child of his as a permanent commitment to him. I am a registered nurse and had many courses in biology, anatomy, and physiology. I had no real Christian upbringing. I could rationalize my abortion by having it before the baby's heart started beating; therefore, it wasn't really alive. My husband was against the abortion and was deeply saddened.

After my first abortion, I plunged into a depression that led to violent behavior and a suicide attempt. I felt totally insane. Somehow my coworkers suspected what I had done, so I quit my job and moved 1200 miles away. Still married, I threw myself into my career and increased my unhealthy coping skills of overeating and alcohol and drug use. I became pregnant again by my husband and again did not want his child. I had my second abortion for the same reason. After this one, I again became very depressed and tried to cope by overeating and overspending. To this day, I am still repaying bills incurred during this time in my life.

I am still amazed at the ease in which one can end another's life in this country. The abortionists told me nothing of the psychological trauma I would experience afterwards. The only option presented to me was to end my pregnancy. This was one-sided crisis intervention.

My marriage later took a turn for the better and I was pregnant again. This time I wanted my husband and my child very much. I feel blessed to have had a normal pregnancy, a healthy child, and finally a happy marriage. I thank God for our daughter everyday. At night when I tuck her in bed, I think about my other babies in Heaven and wonder what my life would be like without my daughter. She has been such a precious gift to me and I cherish everyday I have with her. I have recently become a Christian and have found that the real healing of my sin of murder has come from Jesus Christ. He was with me at every counseling session where I dealt with my feelings of guilt, shame, and pain of my abortions.

Even though I have successfully completed therapy with an excellent prognosis, I still am tearful when I focus on this part of my past. I rest in knowing Jesus has forgiven me. I am interested in forming a support group in my area with the assistance of my counselor. I have also become involved with Right to Life I know first-hand that abortion is murder, and feel there are many who are trying very hard to convince women in crises that it isn't for the sake of money.