I Still am Tearful
I have recently completed a year of
intense counseling for depression from traumatic childhood experiences and
post-abortion syndrome. It is only now that I have been able to talk about my
two abortions and how they have severely impacted my life and also my husband's
My first abortion was in 1979 at the age of 20 shortly after I was married. I
found I did not want to be married to my new husband, nor did I want a child of
his as a permanent commitment to him. I am a registered nurse and had many
courses in biology, anatomy, and physiology. I had no real Christian upbringing.
I could rationalize my abortion by having it before the baby's heart started
beating; therefore, it wasn't really alive. My husband was against the abortion
and was deeply saddened.
After my first abortion, I plunged into a depression that led to violent
behavior and a suicide attempt. I felt totally insane. Somehow my coworkers
suspected what I had done, so I quit my job and moved 1200 miles away. Still
married, I threw myself into my career and increased my unhealthy coping skills
of overeating and alcohol and drug use. I became pregnant again by my husband
and again did not want his child. I had my second abortion for the same
reason. After this one, I again became very depressed and tried to cope by
overeating and overspending. To this day, I am still repaying bills incurred
during this time in my life.
I am still amazed at the ease in which one can end another's life in this
country. The abortionists told me nothing of the psychological trauma I would
experience afterwards. The only option presented to me was to end my pregnancy.
This was one-sided crisis intervention.
My marriage later took a turn for the better and I was pregnant again. This time
I wanted my husband and my child very much. I feel blessed to have had a normal
pregnancy, a healthy child, and finally a happy marriage. I thank God for our
daughter everyday. At night when I tuck her in bed, I think about my other
babies in Heaven and wonder what my life would be like without my daughter. She
has been such a precious gift to me and I cherish everyday I have with her. I
have recently become a Christian and have found that the real healing of my sin
of murder has come from Jesus Christ. He was with me at every counseling session
where I dealt with my feelings of guilt, shame, and pain of my abortions.
Even though I have successfully completed therapy with an excellent prognosis, I
still am tearful when I focus on this part of my past. I rest in knowing Jesus
has forgiven me. I am interested in forming a support group in my area with the
assistance of my counselor. I have also become involved with Right to Life I
know first-hand that abortion is murder, and feel there are many who are trying
very hard to convince women in crises that it isn't for the sake of money.