I was 27, divorced with two children and living with a man I planned to
marry. We had just moved into a new house we bought and I was looking for a job.
When I thought I was pregnant I did a home pregnancy test - it came out
positive. The father told me that if I didn't get an abortion he'd leave me. My
kids were very fond of him and I was afraid of what another man leaving them
would do to them. They were 8 and 6 years old. So I rationalized that I would
get rid of the baby for the sake of the two I already had. I used his pressure
on me as the excuse. But I was willing because I was embarrassed to be unmarried
and pregnant! (What did people think we were doing anyway - we were living
together! What stupid reasoning!) (I don't believe he would have left me
if I didn't do it - but that's 11 1/2 years later.)
So I looked in the yellow pages and called different places. I told them I
had to do it the next day (I was afraid I'd change my mind) and only one
place was sympathetic enough to squeeze me in. The father dropped me off and
went to a doctor to have a vasectomy at the same time as the abortion! A pile of
papers and [I] proceeded to monotonously read the questions and warnings. I
don't remember what they were except that it didn't matter to me what they were
as long as I answered them the way I knew they wanted me to. This meaningless
conversation with the "counselor" was a waste of my time and I knew it even
then. They never did another pregnancy test nor did they even check me
before the abortion!! They didn't even know if I was pregnant!!! I signed
something (never read it) and got back in the line.
We moved, like musical chairs, one chair at a time, from the hall to a small
waiting room with a TV on (no-one watched it - it was a distraction since we
were right next to the abortion room.) I remember next being on the table and
they used Sodium Pentothal to put me to sleep. But I remember the pain of the
scraping and pulling on my uterus. I figured I was only about six weeks
pregnant. They must have done a D & C since I don't remember a suction machine.
(I never asked what method would be used.) But I did ask to see my BABY when
they were finished. The abortionist ( I have no idea who he was) showed me a
small plastic (clear) cup with gauze in it. There was a small spot of
blood in it and I found it hard to believe they showed me the remains of my
baby... They put me in the recovery room for awhile. I think they gave me some
tea. I was told to go to Planned Parenthood for the post abortion check up.
So he dropped me off and I went up alone. I remember a hospital hallway with
seats on both sides. That was the first stop. There were solemn looking women
and girls with their mothers in their seats. I joined them. Counseling was in a
bare office with a woman behind a desk . . .
The actual feelings I had as I got upon the table for the abortion are hard
to describe. I felt like a foolish child and that this man (abortionist) was
going to take care of a stupid mistake that shouldn't have been made in the
first place. I felt like he (abortionist) was disgusted with my stupidity and
that he had to clean up after my mistake. I was totally humiliated by the whole
experience. It's very hard to describe feelings I've never had before or after
this experience and will never have again. I guess I felt patronized by
the abortionist. I understand that these are all my feelings and I don't
know if they have anything to do with reality.
The father picked me up and I remember when we got home we both cried over
the loss of our baby. That was the last time he showed any emotion about this.
Four months after the abortion the father and I got married. (We are still
married.) It was then pushed to the back of my mind because my brother was sick
and died. I don't remember thinking much about it until when I was reading a
weekly Catholic message in the newspaper - every week it said, "Abortion is
Murder." After I saw this enough (I knew it from before the abortion - in High
School I wrote a paper against abortion that greatly impressed my teacher) - So
I already knew that abortion was murder - but as I got deeper and deeper into
sin it didn't matter. God blinds those in serious sin as a punishment. But every
week - abortion is murder, abortion is murder - finally it got to me. I went to
confession. The priest was very kind and told me to help other people in this
matter as my penance. He also told me that I never had to tell anyone about it.
So eventually I went to the abortion mill two towns away from my town and
started to picket with other pro-lifers. By becoming so active against abortion
it has affected my kids and husband and parents - even though only my husband
knows.
The abortion was the low point in my life. I don't know what could be
worse than a mother killing her child. But at least from there - there was no
where to go but up! I started to go to Mass every week and got very involved in
the pro-life movement. I went to the Human Life International Convention and was
sidewalk counseling at the two person rescue when I was beaten up by the
policeman and arrested for trespassing. So the two person rescue turned into a
four person rescue. A man came to help me and he was promptly thrown to the
ground and arrested. This was the beginning of my rescue arrests. I would have
to say that the abortion affected my life for the better - a terrible thing to
have to say!! But at least I learned from a horrible mistake. But my baby was
sacrificed for me to learn. I have to live with that fact. Plus, my husband had
the vasectomy and we don't have any more children! He did have a reversal of the
vasectomy, but that was eight years ago and we still have no children. He
doesn't talk about it and I don't know how he really feels about it. (His former
wife had two abortions.) I think he is tired of me talking to him about it, and
would prefer not to. But lately I have no patience with pro-abortion people. As
an activist I come in contact with them very often and lately the fact that they
are trying to drag everyone else down to their miserable level (misery loves
company) is making me unable to have (or at least try to have) courteous replies
to their worn out slogans and platitudes. I see this intolerance as a
frustration from going through this wonderful, liberating experience of abortion
and not feeling wonderful or liberated - just very guilty of killing my own
innocent baby.
As far as emotional problems, I guess I really haven't worked them out - 11
1/2 years later. I thought the pro-life work would be enough, but I guess it's
not. I'm considering starting an abortion survivors anonymous group to help
myself and others. But since I haven't begun to work on the emotional side of
this guilt I still don't really know how it's affected me. I know that we
(myself and my husband) have housed pregnant girls - helped them have their
babies, sidewalk counseled, taken in foster children - trying to adopt the one
we have now, picketed, written letters, rescued and prayed as outward ways of
dealing with it. But I still have a long way to go to mentally deal with it.
Keeping it a secret is tough. It is a great burden.
As I mentioned, I am very active against abortion. But I haven't told most
people about my abortion - only because my children still don't know. Maybe at
some time I'll tell them, but I still am not sure. Until last year this seemed
to be easy.
. . . It was the low point and from there it was uphill. God used it to show
me how low I really was and still am, but at least I am trying to be good now. I
have no real idea how it has affected me emotionally. That's this year's project
- to find out.
