"My Arms are Empty-Feeling"
I was in my early thirties,
with a young daughter, divorced and also on welfare and a new lover living with
I was using the diaphragm and became pregnant three times. He didn't want
children and I had by now become very emotionally dependent on him so I agreed
with him hoping that one day he would say yes. At that time I believed in
enlightenment, searching for God and believed partially the lie that I was only
pruning and the souls would just be born in another body. Hinduism!
We saw many horror films as a
child growing up in my family. Many times Vincent Price
medicated me with his video valium just as the medical staff numbed me with
pills before the abortions.
Just as I hid the horror of the devilish films, I stuffed the horror of what I
was doing into a safe, light less corner of my mind. I felt oppressed, degraded,
used, a fool, it was painful physically, selfish and I was told I cried all
through one abortion. Yes a living nightmare.
I smoked more grass, so much that I had to grow it. My daughter was more
restless and grumpy.
She and I would fight it seems like every morning before going to school. She
got angry at me more and more. She sucked her finger till she was around twelve.
I fought more with the father. I fought with my only two close friends and it
took years to get close with the one but never again for the closest and both of
them had daughters that my child was close to but that also stopped.
I cried out to the God of Mercy and grace, He found his lost lamb. In my
fellowship group I shared that I wanted to see them (abortions) stopped and I
was given numbers and names of ministries that felt the same so I called them
offering my services only to find I could not give answers to the application.
Living alternatives has given free counseling and my mind is being emptied of
the lies in my life and filled with the Precious Healing Truth and I am forever
indebted to TRUTH.
My arms are empty feeling. I don't have those children to love and grow with. My
daughter has lost her respect for me and living with her father. I pushed her
away as the guilt was so overwhelming. But I know one day it will be better and
not bitter. I am forty-four and not married as there's work to do in forgiving
myself and because of my age, bearing children is out of the question. My
parents lose out as grandparents, my brother's as uncles, my nieces and nephew
as cousins, my daughter as a sister and I can see how alone she is without their
All the people in the world suffer from the loss and the doctors who did it and
some where out there is an empty armed father.