I really didn't want to be there…
I was almost 19 years old when I found myself pregnant. Abortion was
never something that entered my mind. At the time I don't remember being
that aware of the abortion issue.
My mother guessed that I was pregnant shortly after I had found out myself,
She gave me two choices:
1. Get married
2. Have an abortion
I was adopted and she never once suggested adoption. I brought it up, but it was
quickly passed over. I brought up that it was a baby. She then said it was
nothing but a blob of tissue.
The way she got me to go along with her was by convincing me that this would
kill my father. You see we had a lousy relationship and I was feeling guilty
over the heart attack he had when I was 16, so when she said "This will kill
your father," that's all I needed to hear.
Since this was January of 1972, and abortion was illegal in Illinois, my mother
gave me the choice of going to New York or Milwaukee, Wis. She chose the latter.
She made arrangements with a minister from Park Ridge. He provided a taxi
service for $15.00 round trip, and took 6 or 7 of us. He had all of us meet at
the church and then he drove us to Milwaukee.
When we arrived at the abortionist's office, we were given a small pill. I think
it was probably a Valium. I remember the office being rather plain, a couch and
some chairs. There were two other rooms in this office, but only one was used
for the abortions.
I was scared to death. I really didn't want to be there but I had nowhere else
to go. The woman assistant sensed I didn't want the abortion and did confront me
with her suspicions. I told her she was right, but that I had no other choice.
She never once offered to help me keep my baby. She had no alternative for me.
After the procedures were completed, we were taken back to the car to head home.
On the way the minister stopped at a restaurant. The idea behind this was to
treat the day as if nothing had happened, but of course much had happened.
I changed that day. I used to be confident and care free, now I was feeling
guilty and didn't trust myself anymore.
When we got-back to the church my mother was there to get me. She asked me only
once how I felt. After that she never brought it up again.
After a period of time I managed to bury all my emotions. I knew in the back of
my mind that I had had an abortion, but I ignored the ramifications of it.
Then, about 1 1/2 years later I found myself pregnant again. I was living with
my boyfriend at the time, and this time we went to his parents. Since we weren't
married they encouraged us to have an abortion. I didn't really want this one
either, but once you do something you find it easier to do it again.
I made an appointment with my doctor, and he gave me the name of a clinic in
Chicago. We made an appointment for the following week.
When we got there the waiting room was full of people. Everyone was
very quiet. It was the most depressing atmosphere. No one even looked at each
other. When it was our turn we went into an office with a rather pleasant
person. She asked us many questions, mostly wanting to know why we wanted the
abortion. I remember feeling very ashamed as well as unsure. My boyfriend friend
and I were both confused about what to do. Every time we were about to change
our minds, this so-called counselor would bring back all the reasons we had
given her. My boyfriend decided that if I was too far along we'd keep the baby.
This got the counselor applying the pressure all the more. She said that I was
too far along and there was no time to wait. I had to have it today.
How naive we were. I was never internally checked. She had no idea how far I
was, yet she was able to convince us to go through with the abortion.
The doctor and the nurses were uncaring and indifferent. I felt like I was in a
cattle call. After the procedure was over I was taken to a room that had two
rows of cots. There were several other women and girls as well. Again no one
spoke. On the way home my boyfriend and I decided to get married. We both felt
so guilty. I guess this was our way of dealing with what we had done.
My abortions were the most physically and emotionally painful experiences of my
life. In both circumstances NO ONE ever was truthful about what to expect, from
my mother, to the doctor's nurses and counselor. I feel lied to and exploited to
this day. It's a miracle I'm not worse off than I am. I came away both times
wondering how sterile the instruments were. These places take one person after
another. There's no warmth or caring, only greed.
For years after my abortions I would hear a child crying outside. I remember
waking up my husband and asking if he heard it too. Of course he never did. I
never used to get depressed and cry, but I do now. I valued life more and I took
better care of myself before. I had goals that I never accomplished.
My marriage was very explosive for years. We would fight about everything. I got
pregnant after 3 years of marriage. Today I have a wonderful 13 year old. She is
the joy of my life.
When my daughter was a baby I came to the Lord. It is by His mercy that my
marriage survived those early years. Slowly over the years I have been healing
from my abortion. I find the hardest part is being able to forgive myself.
Two years ago my daughter asked if I ever had an abortion. I decided to be
truthful with her, and I told her the whole story. This has effected her
greatly. She feels cheated, and has struggled with the issue of abortion and
also with the value of life. We've had many hours of talks and she has accepted
all that has happened. I don't believe abortion only affects the women, it
affects all those involved and even those not directly involved. My husband and
I rarely talk about it and my mother and I never talk about it. Recently my
mother-in-law asked me to forgive her for not helping us when we asked. I know
this has affected her as well.
Over the past 10 years we have tried to have another baby, but have had no
success. I'm not sure if the abortions are to blame. Since the abortions I have
had a difficult time going to doctors for any kind of check up. I haven't gone
into any prolonged kind of counseling, although I have thought about it. The
only person my husband and I spoke to was our pastor, and it was for a short
period of time.
As I have become more aware of the truth about abortions, I have had to deal
with a lot of suppressed feelings, such as anger, guilt, the feeling of
betrayal, and remorse. This has left me dealing with depression, lack of sleep,
and the feeling of an emotional numbness. I now have to start dealing with
these, and allow myself to feel again.
I do volunteer work at a local pro-life crisis pregnancy center. I
sidewalk counsel at an abortion mill along with other pro-lifers. I have shared
my testimony at an Operation Rescue Rally and at our church pro-life meeting.
The more I work to stop abortions in our country, the better I feel about
myself. I still struggle with forgiving myself, but I know that will come in
time. I know God is using what was meant for evil and is bringing good from it.
I do know that the abortions have affected my life in a way that only an
experience like this could. I have found that I have to fight against a
nonchalant attitude toward human life, and I know that since my daughter found
out, she too has to fight the same attitude. I know it is only through the Lord
that I have come as far as I have. I truly don't know what would have happened
to me if the Lord didn't come into my life when He did. I do believe, though,
that my marriage wouldn't have lasted.
I'm not proud of what I did. The only reason I share my testimony with anyone is
so that they will understand the truth about the effect abortion has had on
women, society, and of course the pre-born baby. It is the taking of innocent
life, nothing less, and the robbing and exploitation of women. We must wake up
to the horrors that are going on across our ONCE great land. I say "Once",
because any nation that would stoop so low as to kill off its young, and then
cover it up with denial that human life is being destroyed is in a very sad
I plead with all of you politicians and scientists who say it's a "Women's
Choice", WAKE UP!, stop the denial. These are our children and grandchildren
being killed. I have never heard a women regret carrying her child to term, but
I always hear it when they've had an abortion. Please, don't be afraid to do the
right thing, stand UP for life.
Recently, I had the opportunity to share with a young women. She called the
crisis pregnancy center looking for us to help her get an abortion. I was able
to share with her what an abortion is. I gave her ALL the facts and
alternatives. She gave me her name and home number and asked if I could call her
back in a couple of days. I did some checking into different unwed maternity
homes and called her back a couple of days later. I gave her the information I
had found out and within a few days she decided to go to the maternity home. She
now resides there in the home where all her needs are being met.
You see, this young lady only needed the facts and the help to be
able to bring her baby to term. I do hope our government will put its money into
helping people build strong,, stable and productive lives, instead of helping
them to destroy not only the lives of their babies, but their own as well.