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I really didn't want to be there…

I was almost 19 years old when I found myself pregnant. Abortion was never something that entered my mind. At the time I don't remember being that aware of the abortion issue.

My mother guessed that I was pregnant shortly after I had found out myself, She gave me two choices:

1. Get married

2. Have an abortion


I was adopted and she never once suggested adoption. I brought it up, but it was quickly passed over. I brought up that it was a baby. She then said it was nothing but a blob of tissue.

The way she got me to go along with her was by convincing me that this would kill my father. You see we had a lousy relationship and I was feeling guilty over the heart attack he had when I was 16, so when she said "This will kill your father," that's all I needed to hear.

Since this was January of 1972, and abortion was illegal in Illinois, my mother gave me the choice of going to New York or Milwaukee, Wis. She chose the latter. She made arrangements with a minister from Park Ridge. He provided a taxi service for $15.00 round trip, and took 6 or 7 of us. He had all of us meet at the church and then he drove us to Milwaukee.

When we arrived at the abortionist's office, we were given a small pill. I think it was probably a Valium. I remember the office being rather plain, a couch and some chairs. There were two other rooms in this office, but only one was used for the abortions.

I was scared to death. I really didn't want to be there but I had nowhere else to go. The woman assistant sensed I didn't want the abortion and did confront me with her suspicions. I told her she was right, but that I had no other choice. She never once offered to help me keep my baby. She had no alternative for me.

After the procedures were completed, we were taken back to the car to head home. On the way the minister stopped at a restaurant. The idea behind this was to treat the day as if nothing had happened, but of course much had happened.

I changed that day. I used to be confident and care free, now I was feeling guilty and didn't trust myself anymore.

When we got-back to the church my mother was there to get me. She asked me only once how I felt. After that she never brought it up again.

After a period of time I managed to bury all my emotions. I knew in the back of my mind that I had had an abortion, but I ignored the ramifications of it.

Then, about 1 1/2 years later I found myself pregnant again. I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and this time we went to his parents. Since we weren't married they encouraged us to have an abortion. I didn't really want this one either, but once you do something you find it easier to do it again.

I made an appointment with my doctor, and he gave me the name of a clinic in Chicago. We made an appointment for the following week.

When we got there the waiting room was full of people. Everyone was very quiet. It was the most depressing atmosphere. No one even looked at each other. When it was our turn we went into an office with a rather pleasant person. She asked us many questions, mostly wanting to know why we wanted the abortion. I remember feeling very ashamed as well as unsure. My boyfriend friend and I were both confused about what to do. Every time we were about to change our minds, this so-called counselor would bring back all the reasons we had given her. My boyfriend decided that if I was too far along we'd keep the baby. This got the counselor applying the pressure all the more. She said that I was too far along and there was no time to wait. I had to have it today.

How naive we were. I was never internally checked. She had no idea how far I was, yet she was able to convince us to go through with the abortion.

The doctor and the nurses were uncaring and indifferent. I felt like I was in a cattle call. After the procedure was over I was taken to a room that had two rows of cots. There were several other women and girls as well. Again no one spoke. On the way home my boyfriend and I decided to get married. We both felt so guilty. I guess this was our way of dealing with what we had done.

My abortions were the most physically and emotionally painful experiences of my life. In both circumstances NO ONE ever was truthful about what to expect, from my mother, to the doctor's nurses and counselor. I feel lied to and exploited to this day. It's a miracle I'm not worse off than I am. I came away both times wondering how sterile the instruments were. These places take one person after another. There's no warmth or caring, only greed.

For years after my abortions I would hear a child crying outside. I remember waking up my husband and asking if he heard it too. Of course he never did. I never used to get depressed and cry, but I do now. I valued life more and I took better care of myself before. I had goals that I never accomplished.

My marriage was very explosive for years. We would fight about everything. I got pregnant after 3 years of marriage. Today I have a wonderful 13 year old. She is the joy of my life.

When my daughter was a baby I came to the Lord. It is by His mercy that my marriage survived those early years. Slowly over the years I have been healing from my abortion. I find the hardest part is being able to forgive myself.

Two years ago my daughter asked if I ever had an abortion. I decided to be truthful with her, and I told her the whole story. This has effected her greatly. She feels cheated, and has struggled with the issue of abortion and also with the value of life. We've had many hours of talks and she has accepted all that has happened. I don't believe abortion only affects the women, it affects all those involved and even those not directly involved. My husband and I rarely talk about it and my mother and I never talk about it. Recently my mother-in-law asked me to forgive her for not helping us when we asked. I know this has affected her as well.

Over the past 10 years we have tried to have another baby, but have had no success. I'm not sure if the abortions are to blame. Since the abortions I have had a difficult time going to doctors for any kind of check up. I haven't gone into any prolonged kind of counseling, although I have thought about it. The only person my husband and I spoke to was our pastor, and it was for a short period of time.

As I have become more aware of the truth about abortions, I have had to deal with a lot of suppressed feelings, such as anger, guilt, the feeling of betrayal, and remorse. This has left me dealing with depression, lack of sleep, and the feeling of an emotional numbness. I now have to start dealing with these, and allow myself to feel again.

I do volunteer work at a local pro-life crisis pregnancy center. I sidewalk counsel at an abortion mill along with other pro-lifers. I have shared my testimony at an Operation Rescue Rally and at our church pro-life meeting. The more I work to stop abortions in our country, the better I feel about myself. I still struggle with forgiving myself, but I know that will come in time. I know God is using what was meant for evil and is bringing good from it.

I do know that the abortions have affected my life in a way that only an experience like this could. I have found that I have to fight against a nonchalant attitude toward human life, and I know that since my daughter found out, she too has to fight the same attitude. I know it is only through the Lord that I have come as far as I have. I truly don't know what would have happened to me if the Lord didn't come into my life when He did. I do believe, though, that my marriage wouldn't have lasted.

I'm not proud of what I did. The only reason I share my testimony with anyone is so that they will understand the truth about the effect abortion has had on women, society, and of course the pre-born baby. It is the taking of innocent life, nothing less, and the robbing and exploitation of women. We must wake up to the horrors that are going on across our ONCE great land. I say "Once", because any nation that would stoop so low as to kill off its young, and then cover it up with denial that human life is being destroyed is in a very sad state.

I plead with all of you politicians and scientists who say it's a "Women's Choice", WAKE UP!, stop the denial. These are our children and grandchildren being killed. I have never heard a women regret carrying her child to term, but I always hear it when they've had an abortion. Please, don't be afraid to do the right thing, stand UP for life.

Recently, I had the opportunity to share with a young women. She called the crisis pregnancy center looking for us to help her get an abortion. I was able to share with her what an abortion is. I gave her ALL the facts and alternatives. She gave me her name and home number and asked if I could call her back in a couple of days. I did some checking into different unwed maternity homes and called her back a couple of days later. I gave her the information I had found out and within a few days she decided to go to the maternity home. She now resides there in the home where all her needs are being met.

You see, this young lady only needed the facts and the help to be able to bring her baby to term. I do hope our government will put its money into helping people build strong,, stable and productive lives, instead of helping them to destroy not only the lives of their babies, but their own as well.

Priests for Life
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