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Afterwards was worse than the pain

I couldn't honestly tell you how I came to my final decision - all I know is I was 17 years old - in high school and pregnant. I was really scared and confused. My boyfriend and I talked about having the baby and realized there was no way we could (at the time) raise a child ourselves. Then we talked about giving the baby up for adoption, but I don't even know what happened with that. I never told my parents (or his for that matter) that I was pregnant and I was scared if they found out - what the result would be - so I went to a clinic for some counseling and options and the option I was given was abortion. Seemed good to me? I was removing an unwanted "FETUS" from my body. I would do that and my problem would be over.

Scarey! I had no idea what they were going to do to get this "FETUS" out of me. We didn't have enough money to have me put to sleep - so I was awake for the whole thing. I was given some drugs, but I don't think they were for pain. If they were they didn't work. I was holding the nurse's hand and I actually drew blood because I was digging my nails into her skin. The pain was indescribable. Afterwards was worse than the pain, though. I was told I have to stay so they can make sure they didn't leave anything behind. I didn't understand, so I asked the nurse in the recovery room what that meant. She told me they have to examine the fetus to make sure all the body parts were removed. Body parts? I thought this was a "FETUS" - a clump of something that was going to be a baby. I didn't know it already had arms and legs and a HEARTBEAT. Why wasn't I told?

I was okay with it for the time. I was able to not talk about it and block it out of my thoughts, but then I started my semester of health in school and was learning about pregnancy. This is when I learned that the fetus WAS A BABY all along. I was terrified because now I thought that I've committed a murder. I was so scared someone other than my boyfriend and I would find out - my parents did. They were so hurt I didn't trust that they would have helped us and it ripped my family apart. I no longer killed my baby. I killed my parents' grandchild - my brother's niece or nephew and so on. I started withdrawing and drinking and doing coke and acid. My life - my boyfriend's life - my family's life was a mess - because of me.

Like I said, at first I blocked it out. It seemed to help at the time but in school, when I was going through health class, I couldn't do it any longer. So I went to partying all my problems away. That worked for awhile - I thought. I don't know - now - I guess what I'm trying to do is show other people what it's done to me so that maybe I can save them all the pain. This seems to help the most out of the methods I've tried, but I still hate myself for doing it and don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I know I'll NEVER forget.

At the moment, I am trying to use my experience to help others - so I can feel good about something. But up till now, all I've done in my life is cause pain. It changed me from a warm, loving, sensitive person into a cold, spiteful, withdrawn person. It was the cause of family problems, school problems, emotional problems. It turned my life totally upside down.

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