I couldn't honestly tell you how I came to my final decision - all I know is
I was 17 years old - in high school and pregnant. I was really scared and
confused. My boyfriend and I talked about having the baby and realized there was
no way we could (at the time) raise a child ourselves. Then we talked about
giving the baby up for adoption, but I don't even know what happened with that.
I never told my parents (or his for that matter) that I was pregnant and I was
scared if they found out - what the result would be - so I went to a clinic for
some counseling and options and the option I was given was abortion. Seemed good
to me? I was removing an unwanted "FETUS" from my body. I would do that and my
problem would be over.
Scarey! I had no idea what they were going to do to get this "FETUS" out of
me. We didn't have enough money to have me put to sleep - so I was awake for the
whole thing. I was given some drugs, but I don't think they were for pain. If
they were they didn't work. I was holding the nurse's hand and I actually drew
blood because I was digging my nails into her skin. The pain was indescribable.
Afterwards was worse than the pain, though. I was told I have to stay so they
can make sure they didn't leave anything behind. I didn't understand, so I asked
the nurse in the recovery room what that meant. She told me they have to examine
the fetus to make sure all the body parts were removed. Body parts? I thought
this was a "FETUS" - a clump of something that was going to be
a baby. I didn't know it already had arms and legs and a HEARTBEAT. Why wasn't I
I was okay with it for the time. I was able to not talk about it and block it
out of my thoughts, but then I started my semester of health in school and was
learning about pregnancy. This is when I learned that the fetus WAS A
BABY all along. I was terrified because now I thought that I've
committed a murder. I was so scared someone other than my boyfriend and I would
find out - my parents did. They were so hurt I didn't trust that they would have
helped us and it ripped my family apart. I no longer killed my baby. I
killed my parents' grandchild - my brother's niece or nephew and so on. I
started withdrawing and drinking and doing coke and acid. My life - my
boyfriend's life - my family's life was a mess - because of me.
Like I said, at first I blocked it out. It seemed to help at the time but in
school, when I was going through health class, I couldn't do it any longer. So I
went to partying all my problems away. That worked for awhile - I thought. I
don't know - now - I guess what I'm trying to do is show other people what it's
done to me so that maybe I can save them all the pain. This seems to help the
most out of the methods I've tried, but I still hate myself for doing it and
don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I know I'll NEVER forget.
At the moment, I am trying to use my experience to help others - so I can
feel good about something. But up till now, all I've done in my life is
cause pain. It changed me from a warm, loving, sensitive person into a cold,
spiteful, withdrawn person. It was the cause of family problems, school
problems, emotional problems. It turned my life totally upside down.