It was heart wrenching and humiliating
I was 17 years old, had been kicked out of my home (my
mother and I never got along) and had moved in with my boyfriend. He was an
alcoholic and played around. When I got pregnant he insisted on an abortion
or he'd put me on the street. I called a few friends and family for help to
keep the baby but they agreed with an abortion. I was not saved then and
very scared and felt I had no choice and had the abortion.
It was heart wrenching and humiliating. It was at the county hospital with 11
other girls spread-eagle, stark naked on a cold chrome table, no privacy. I was
crying through the abortion and awoke to the tears still running and an old
nurse repeatedly saying, "How old are you?" I said, "17, why?" and she said,
"You've been crying and asking is it over yet?" in your sleep this whole time.
"Honey, you didn't belong here." I just cried all the way home.
Before the abortion I was panicked and pressured, but as soon as it was done
all I felt was grief and regret and the fear of God. My boyfriend dropped me off
at home and left for 2 days. In those hours I sat on the floor near a chair and
cried, God please don't hate me - don't hate me, all day and night. It's been a
long haul to forgive myself, at least I learned to do what I think is right and
not allow others to ever tell me to do anything I don’t want to.
I do what I can to keep others from doing the same. I pray for pro-life
movements, I'm very vocal. I befriend all the teenagers I can to be there for
them if they need someone as I did. It helps to take action now for the guilt of
when I didn't take the action I should have. My baby's death is not in vain, if
I can now be used to help and motivate others.
It has made me more sensitive to the deep needs of young people. The drastic
steps they take when feeling alone, confused. Also, I can't be proud or
self-righteous at all. I feel I did an unforgivable thing 16 years ago and for
the grace of God I know I'm forgiven and try to live a very appreciative life
for Jesus for all He's forgiven me and for not hating me. I know God loves me
and I finally love myself.
Attached is a poem I wrote 12 years after the abortion.
I was young and afraid,
Alone as could be.
Haunting voices whispered,
"Don't have the baby".
"It's simple, its nothing",
They all would say.
"A couple of hours,
and you're on your way".
Well, it wasn't simple
And it was far from nothing, too.
Mommy is so sorry, Baby,
Little one I never knew.
If I had only known,
I could choose another way,
In spite of fear and shame,
You would be alive today.
Does Jesus hold you in His arms?
Does He say that I love you?
Does He tell you Mommy's sorry
For the pain she put you through?
Please believe Him if He does,
And forgive me if you can.
In some small way,
I hope you understand.
Mommy is so sorry, Baby.
Little one I never knew.