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It was heart wrenching and humiliating

I was 17 years old, had been kicked out of my home (my mother and I never got along) and had moved in with my boyfriend. He was an alcoholic and played around. When I got pregnant he insisted on an abortion or he'd put me on the street. I called a few friends and family for help to keep the baby but they agreed with an abortion. I was not saved then and very scared and felt I had no choice and had the abortion.

It was heart wrenching and humiliating. It was at the county hospital with 11 other girls spread-eagle, stark naked on a cold chrome table, no privacy. I was crying through the abortion and awoke to the tears still running and an old nurse repeatedly saying, "How old are you?" I said, "17, why?" and she said, "You've been crying and asking is it over yet?" in your sleep this whole time. "Honey, you didn't belong here." I just cried all the way home.

Before the abortion I was panicked and pressured, but as soon as it was done all I felt was grief and regret and the fear of God. My boyfriend dropped me off at home and left for 2 days. In those hours I sat on the floor near a chair and cried, God please don't hate me - don't hate me, all day and night. It's been a long haul to forgive myself, at least I learned to do what I think is right and not allow others to ever tell me to do anything I don’t want to.

I do what I can to keep others from doing the same. I pray for pro-life movements, I'm very vocal. I befriend all the teenagers I can to be there for them if they need someone as I did. It helps to take action now for the guilt of when I didn't take the action I should have. My baby's death is not in vain, if I can now be used to help and motivate others.

It has made me more sensitive to the deep needs of young people. The drastic steps they take when feeling alone, confused. Also, I can't be proud or self-righteous at all. I feel I did an unforgivable thing 16 years ago and for the grace of God I know I'm forgiven and try to live a very appreciative life for Jesus for all He's forgiven me and for not hating me. I know God loves me and I finally love myself.

 

Attached is a poem I wrote 12 years after the abortion.

I was young and afraid,

Alone as could be.

Haunting voices whispered,

"Don't have the baby".

"It's simple, its nothing",

They all would say.

"A couple of hours,

and you're on your way".

Well, it wasn't simple

And it was far from nothing, too.

Mommy is so sorry, Baby,

Little one I never knew.

If I had only known,

I could choose another way,

In spite of fear and shame,

You would be alive today.

Does Jesus hold you in His arms?

Does He say that I love you?

Does He tell you Mommy's sorry

For the pain she put you through?

Please believe Him if He does,

And forgive me if you can.

In some small way,

I hope you understand.

Mommy is so sorry, Baby.

Little one I never knew.

Priests for Life
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