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I could hardly walk

I went to a Family Health Dept. to confirm pregnancy and when confirmed was convinced abortion was the thing to do, because I was not married and already had two children and on A.F.D.C. I never really thought much about it. I knew very little (only what they told me) about abortions and I was not a Christian. I asked a friend (girl) to drive me. I remember a lot of girls there for the same thing. It all was very impersonal. The girl who drove me and my younger sister were the only ones I told.

I was heavily sedated, but still remember the severe cramping and pain and the shakes. I remember squeezing someone's hand and trying not to cry out in pain. Afterwards I could hardly walk, I was so sick but was told I had to leave. I stayed sickly for about a week and bled heavily for about 10 days. Everyone said I looked bad but thought I had the flu. That week I made a commitment to the Lord, the real pain started for then I started realizing what I did was wrong.

It took me at least a year to really believe God forgave me, and even longer to forgive myself and all who was involved. I had only told my younger sister in my family and only her 'cause she just went through an abortion, which I had told her was an OK thing to do. After all I was just told that. It is something you never get over. 

But the Lord helps us through all the pain and memories -- without His forgiveness it would be impossible. I know one day I'll get to be with him or her and Jesus, what a rejoicing day that'll be! I have been involved with pro-life for about 4 1/2 - 5 years now and it was hard to see and hear what I did to my baby. I really didn't know till then. So I had to kind of go through another healing process. I also had to ask my sister's forgiveness for my involvement in hers. I think she is still trying to forgive herself for hers.

I'm not sure I really what I did but that God showed me in His way, of forgiveness. I think being so involved with pro-life activities has helped. It has only been in the last year that I have shared it with my family and others. I remarried 6 1/2 years ago and told him before marriage but told my two girls only this year also told my parents. I feel better now that it's out in the open. I have been able to give my testimony in public only this year also.

I guess that it has given me more boldness in talking about it, 'cause I've been there. It also keeps me humble and maybe more sympathetic towards others in this situation and how easy it is to be deceived. I look back at myself and say, "Was it really me?" I always wanted children. I now have a 5 1/2 month old boy who was born one month early, which I'm sure was caused by the abortion. My two girls were both 9 1/2 month pregnancies.

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