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No magic word to say or hear…

I first went to a women's clinic in Texas. The young female counselor tried to talk me out of it, but I already had my mind made up. She ended up calling and making the appointment for me. I was the only one involved. I didn't tell a soul except my mother. She thought whatever decision I made was fine either way. I didn't tell the man involved because I had recently found out he was married and I was so against breaking up a marriage or dating a married man. He had told me he was divorced, no children (none that he knew of). He was 40 at the time and I felt he wouldn't want anything to do with me when I told him and I didn't want to go back to my dysfunctional family. I was twenty five at the time.

It was painless. They had suckers setting out in a jar on the desk like we were getting a tooth pulled and everything would be alright when it was over. It was about 15 minutes and I vomited afterwards and was given antibodies and Motrin for the pain (cramps).

It has been 3 years now and I had a beautiful baby girl in November. Not a day goes by that I don't regret what I did. It will be the biggest and worst sin I'll ever commit in my life. I have to live everyday knowing I killed my child. I just feel terrible. I feel like a murderer of someone so innocent and helpless.

I've talked to a nun. She said that that baby's soul went straight to heaven. Others (Catholics) have said it is in Limbo. I've also asked a priest to say a Mass for his/her soul for an unbaptized child. It did help, temporarily. I don't think there is a magic word to say (hear) that will make me forget or take away the loss and pain and guilt I feel.

I realize that no matter how desperate a girl is, it does not give us the right to murder one of God's children - that from the moment of conception the child has a soul. I'm going to do everything I can to put an end to it. I could have been more careful. But I knew in the back of my mind there was abortion.. If there wasn't, I probably wouldn't have gotten pregnant. If it were not legal, I would have my other beautiful little baby and God and me would be a whole lot happier! Thank you for the opportunity to write this out. I'm sorry I'm so sloppy. I'm writing on my lap.

Priests for Life
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