I was 16, attending Catholic high school and hanging
around with my 24 year-old sister at night. She was married and began having
an affair. She would take me with her when she went to his house. When she
went to see him she would tell her husband she and I were going shopping.
Having me along made the story look real.
Her friend had two roommates, one who was 20 years older than me but seemed
to really listen to me. Having had a Catholic father, he filled a lot of
paternal needs. One night my sister and I were with these men and I drank a lot
of wine. I remember going to sleep on a spare couch, but waking up next to (the
older man). After that night we started a relationship, if that's what you'd
call it. We started to use a rubber but it was too late. I missed a period. As
soon as the home pregnancy test showed positive my sister was on the phone to
the clinic saying her sister needs an abortion. I was still in shock. Two weeks
later (right before Easter) it was all over (note - my sister instigated the
abortion, because otherwise her affair would be found out).
I've blocked so much out (I am now 23). I had really psyched myself out. The
nurses were nice. I remember they had to do a blood test because they weren't
even positive I was pregnant (sometimes I wonder). The doctor came in right
before the "operation" and introduced himself. Everyone was nice. I was so
psyched up, it was just a procedure. One thing I do remember - no alternatives
were ever discussed. (Note - In your war against abortion, please remember the
scared little girl. Talk gently and kindly to her. Show her love, and that there
is another way. John 14:6)
At first my sister was more shook than I was. But soon enough it hit me. For
a year I lived a total HELL within myself. I hated myself. Not a day went by I
did not think of suicide. In my eyes I was an awful, awful, person. The one
strong moral I always had held was against abortion. I had gone against my own
morals. The least little mistake I did, I would think of suicide. I developed
severe depression that only lasted a year and was healed. I continued in
relationships with older men, but into my relationships I carried so much. I was
not well mentally at all! I did try suicide once with aspirin.
Exactly one year from the date of my abortion, I went on a retreat. The topic
of the whole retreat was forgiveness (wouldn't you know). On Saturday night of
the retreat in a candlelit room, I confessed my sin to my teachers and peers (up
to this time few people knew). I had barely got out the word abortion and I
began to cry a years worth of tears (I had never cried over it). The priest
suggested after others openly confessed their needs of forgiveness that each
person take and anoint another with oil to show they were forgiven. I had a line
of people to anoint me! I had never felt God so close. I felt as did the woman
caught in adultery (John 8). I was dramatically changed that night in regards to
the abortion. I still suffered depression but I am not sure if that was due to
the abortion or my past. But last year at another retreat I was prayed over and
since have not experienced that severe depression. All Glory to God! I also paid
back to a prolife group the money that was paid for my abortion. I felt a need
to do that --"using bad for good" (Romans 8:28).
