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There was enormous guilt and shame afterwards

I have had 3 abortions. Ages 14, 17, and 18, each one was different. I had the first with not much of any thought of my own. My stepfather took me to a doctor who arranged an illegal abortion in NY. My second one was a D&C in a hospital. I had been doing a lot of drugs and friends took me to the hospital (I was not living at home) they told me I was pregnant and that was what was making me sick, so they admitted me right then. The third one, I went to Planned Parenthood.

I was completely knocked out during all three and knew or felt nothing during the actual procedure. Sometimes I wish I had not been asleep during the first one and maybe I would not have done it again.

There was enormous guilt and shame afterwards. I thought everyone knew. Then I put up this very thick wall of denial like "it never happened." I completely believed it never happened all 3 times. After the first one I started a life of sexual permissiveness and drugs. I quit dressing nice and my relationship with my parents, which was not good, became unbearable and they sent me to live with my Dad.

18 years later Jesus came into my life, I went to a Crisis Pregnancy Center. I went through their Post Abortion Bible Study. Like Peter who denies Christ 3 times I received not only the forgiveness to forgive myself as I got free from the denial, guilt and shame. God has used me to speak about the abortion on TV church films and radio.

Having my first abortion at a young age, I went most of my life not holding a baby. From the time of the first abortion until after the Bible Study I felt I did not deserve to feel a baby in my arms. So I never experienced that nurturing mother in me. Thanks be to God I now work in the nursery. In my heart I know that first child would have brought me to Jesus. Instead I was 30 years old when I let him in. I think Christ would have come in and made my life different earlier had I not aborted.

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