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I killed two people

I had two legal abortions, the first one when I was 16. I had no support from my boyfriend or parents. I was alone in the sense no one wanted me pregnant - so I sought the quickest way to be un-pregnant. The second pregnancy I was 19 - the father of the baby was married. Again I sought the quickest way out.

The first abortion was awful. I was put under general anesthesia. When I woke up the first thing I saw was a garbage can with bloody paper towels in it. I immediately thought of my baby and wanted it back. To which I was told I'm a big girl now and once we make a decision we have to accept it and go on. The second was not as bad - I still regret it though.

I always remembered my Children's birthdays (what would have been). I never forgot anything about either one. They are definitely in my memory forever. I know it affected my mother and boyfriend - affected me more than anyone else. It seemed that they all felt relief where I felt grief.

I suffered tremendous guilt over the abortions at one point in time. I felt so guilty I was suffering from anxiety attacks. In time I realized God forgave me those sins. I don't really think I've forgiven myself. I suffered a miscarriage between my 2nd and 3rd Child. I wondered if my two abortions had anything to do with that. My doctor (who is a Christian) said no it did not.

I would have a 16 year old and a 13 year old that I do not have now. I'm sure my life would be different in that the experience of having those two kids would have affected my life and others around me a great deal. I killed two people through those abortions. The realization of that affects me very much.

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