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The marriage was doomed because of the abortion…

I was a first semester student in a nursing program when I got pregnant. I am a product of the 70's mentality and my first thought at the age of 18 was "I'm not married, and I want to finish this nursing program before I do get married." I don't really recall having too many other thoughts on options other than having the abortion. My parents didn't know until a few days before and they did not discourage me from the abortion. My boyfriend, the father of this baby, did not want me to have an abortion because he believed it was killing a life. Well, I already had my mind made up that I was going to do this and he was not in any position to change my thinking.

I went to Kaiser Permanente. I was probably 12 weeks along and I remember they wanted to give me an implant in the cervix to start opening it. I had on a previous day had their required "counseling," which I only remember that I started crying because I was pregnant and the woman "counselor" concluded that I was feeling guilty (and that I was feeling it was my fault) for getting pregnant. Not once did she inform me about fetal development or talk about other options in a positive light.

I was given a local anesthetic so I did not feel any pain. I do remember hearing the suction machine going and the IV in my arm burning as the anesthetic was administered. I don't remember anything else about the abortion. I don't know if there is something that I'm still blocking out. That is all I can recollect 12 years after the abortion.

I don't remember it affecting me negatively at first. I was relieved to not be sick anymore and to be able to continue with my nursing studies. I did marry my boyfriend after I completed the nursing program, but it ended in divorce in four short years. We had decided not to have any children so at least there were no innocent (live) victims.

I think the marriage was doomed before it ever started, in retrospect, because of the abortion. Maybe he stopped respecting me when I chose to kill our baby, I don't know. There were a lot of problems, and I was not a Christian. I was not committed to sticking with the marriage, no matter what, so when things got rough and unpleasant, I bailed out.

After hearing several "Focus on the Family" broadcasts on the subject of abortion, I came to accept the fact that I did indeed kill my baby. And I also know that it's not totally my fault that I made the decision to have an abortion - no one ever informed me of fetal development, etc. That's not to lessen my guilt any because the final decision was mine to make. But at the same time, I was a victim, too, of the culture and all the pro-abortion propaganda. I know that God has forgiven me for this awful thing I have done. And I've come a long ways in forgiving myself.

I have become involved in the pro-life fight by giving financially and by writing letters to my representatives. I also participated in the March for Life at my state capitol. Has it helped? I think so.

My dream is to someday have an extra bedroom to take in a pregnant girl/woman who has nowhere else to turn to. In the Lord's timing.

After my first marriage ended in divorce, I met and married a wonderful man. He was a Christian at the time of our marriage and he led me to Christ by his loving, quiet example. We have enjoyed marriage and we have beautiful children. I have been so blessed by the Lord to not have had any physical side effects to the abortion. Well, maybe that's not completely true.

I did not have any difficulty conceiving our first child, but I did not carry her to full term. She came 5 to 6 weeks early. I didn't know at that time that a previous abortion could cause premature labor and birth in subsequent pregnancies. So I suspect that maybe the previous abortion was at least a partial cause to my daughter's early arrival.

I know I still have more healing to go through, emotionally speaking. I have yet to have the courage to share this part of my past with my present husband. Just writing all of this down, which I have never done before has been beneficial for me.

Thank you.

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