My abortion was in 1974. I was separated from my husband and going out with
someone . I thought I had become pregnant with the man I was seeing. However,
the abortionist thought I was "further along" than my dates indicated, so I may
have been pregnant by my husband before we separated for the second time.
My abortion was the most horrible event of my life. I was in total denial. I
was afraid to tell anyone and went alone. I cried while being interviewed but
tried to act like it didn't affect me. Yet all the while I just couldn't believe
I was doing this. I felt trapped though, like I had no other options. But I knew
I was a murderer when I did that . . . but I didn't admit it and work through
the tragedy until 1988.
The abortion changed my life dramatically and forever. I always felt unloved
and unworthy. Yet I sought the company of different men. Even so, I knew if I
ever became pregnant again, I would never again kill my baby. In fact I wanted
children very badly and at the age of 30 became pregnant with my son. I
sort of planned the pregnancy and planned on single parenthood. I thought I
suffered so much rejection that I could raise a child without a man because it's
what I wanted more than a marriage . . . a child. So it was a great paradox in
my life, my desire for a child, yet living with the knowledge I had killed one
of my own. My abortion left me very sad. Very sad. And since I've told no one
else at the time, and even now only 2 people know it . . . the abortion hasn't
affected anyone in my family.
I began dealing with my abortion when I became a Christian and when I came to
realize the depravity of man. I knew that was me. And I knew I needed to repent
and receive the Lord Jesus as Savior. As the old song goes - What can wash away
my sin? . . . nothing but the blood of Jesus." And of course 1 John 9:12. When I
repented and received forgiveness through His grace I can say the Lord healed me
miraculously of my sin of abortion.
Again the paradox, the question . . . would I have sought out the church if I
hadn't had an abortion? My son made me realize for the first time I was in need
of a Savior. Well I just don't know but it's one reason I'm born again today.
One of the other results is that I've left my full time job to work part time at
a local CPC. Also I've been arrested a fair number of times with Operation
Rescue. So yes my abortion changed my life forever. For yet while I mourn the
death of my child I glory in the grace that the Lord has blessed me with. I
believe I've been set free from the curse and I praise God every day!
