I have had three abortions. Once at 26, just married - husband involved. Once
at 32 - long time boyfriend involved. Once at 33 - unrequited love involved.
The first was very painful. Something was placed in my womb overnight to make
me dilate and made me deathly sick. The procedure itself was done with no
painkillers . . . I hyperventilated and passed out . . . I was sick to death in
the "recovery room," and had major cramps for days. I was 13 weeks pregnant. No
one told me I didn't have to have an abortion. The other two were both done with
anesthesia, but still horribly painful. I was just too doped up to express it.
The counselors did not "counsel."
I repressed the abortions for 10 years . . . never thought about them, even
for several years after I was "saved." Then suddenly I began having nightmares.
I began trying to figure out "how old" my children would have been (I had two
children by this time) and I sank into deep and horrible depression, constantly
crying and always hurting inside . . . I would go to sleep at night crying, "My
babies . . my babies . . ."
I did a lot of praying and Bible reading, especially the verses on
forgiveness. I began going to the Post Abortion Information Services office here
and was counseled and encouraged by some very loving, understanding women, and
yes, it has helped. The depression is gone, and I know I am forgiven and have
forgiven myself . . . however, there will always be pain there . . . always.
I am deeply, deeply aware of LIFE, all life. I am horrified that abortion is
legal, anywhere . . . and I will always carry the dark cloud of pain that comes
with knowing that what I have done can never be undone.
