I was one of those victims who had
an abortion ten years ago and now regret it. I was seventeen when I became
pregnant and was very excited about this pregnancy until I began to tell the
people around me. They said the best thing I could do for myself and the
baby was to abort.
The first person I told was the father
of my child, who immediately told me to have an abortion. When I told my mother
about my pregnancy she cried with me several nights and told me I should have an
abortion. She said she couldn't afford having a baby in the house at that time
and that I would never be able to financially take care of the baby and it
wouldn't be fair to the child. My boyfriend's mother was calling me trying to
persuade me to have an abortion because I was ruining her son's life by having
I finally went to my father and he was the only person who wanted to help me
keep my baby. At this point I told everyone I was going to keep my baby and my
mother had accepted this and said she would help me. But I could still sense all
the disappointment from others. When my father said he would help me, this was
the first time I had spoken to him in about two years. He seemed like a stranger
to me and I was very bitter and resentful to him because of his divorce to my
mother and the circumstances surrounding the divorce, that I very selfishly did
not want anything from him.
Even though my father was willing to help me I still felt all alone and
confused. I didn't know where else to turn and I scheduled an appointment with
the abortion clinic, even though I was still undecided.
When I first got to the abortion clinic there was a group of people holding
signs that said abortion is murder. I wanted so badly for just one of those
people to stop me and say they would help me. They gave me a look and I went
inside. The clinic sent me home that day without the abortion because I had
purposely eaten breakfast that morning after they had told me I couldn't if I
was going to be under anesthetic.
At that point I thought I was convinced I was going to keep my baby, but
unfortunately, I rescheduled about a week later. But, this time driving from
Ashtabula to Cleveland, I was really hoping those people would be back on the
sidewalks again, because I was determined that I was going to ask them if they
could help me, but this time there wasn't anyone around.
When we entered the abortion clinic, the father of my baby said he would be
right there in the waiting room for me the whole time. I thought I still had
little hope left that maybe my boyfriend would change his mind about abortion
during counseling. But they wouldn't let the men in the counseling rooms with
the women. When unsure about my decision to abort, the abortion counselor told
me that there were too many babies all ready up for adoption and she assured me
there were no other alternatives in my situation. They told me I would be having
a suction abortion which was stated as a safe and simple procedure where they
would be removing fetal tissue. They told me I would wake up in the recovery
room and everything would be all over with and I could go home.
I remember one of the girls who
was in the counseling session who stated she was going to be awake during the
procedure. She was very scared and crying. She was the first to have her
abortion. When I woke up in the recovery room lying on a table, I looked around
and saw several other girls lying on tables all around me. I heard someone in
pain crying and I noticed it was the same girl who had her abortion while awake.
They immediately removed her to some other room.
When they told me I could leave, I came out to the waiting room and the father
of my child was nowhere to be found. I sat there waiting for him by myself and
crying over what I had just done, when finally about four hours later he showed
up to drive me home. Apparently, while I was having our baby killed, him and his
friend were out getting drunk the whole time. During those four hours I never
saw the girl who had been crying come out.
I now realize that I was very misled and lied to. And the counselors never
mentioned the extremely traumatic guilt and grief I would feel later. All these
people said abortion was the best choice and that they would be there for me
when I finally decided to abort. But where were these people all those years
after my abortion when I was hurting so badly? The father of my child didn't
care how I would feel afterward, as long as I got rid of his so called
"problem." He was so concerned about me destroying the rest of his life if I
were to have his baby, that I ended up destroying my own innocent unborn child's
They all said having an abortion on would make everything be all over with, but
that's just the beginning. The baby is no longer there, but the memories are
there forever. I did not end a problem. I only created several problems by
having an abortion. My life began changing dramatically. I became very depressed
and turned to drugs and alcohol. I had a very low opinion of myself and I tried
very hard to gain acceptance from people. I even ended up marrying a man I only
dated for three weeks and got pregnant right away to make up for the baby I
aborted. And when I had a miscarriage, the doctor told me I would need to wait
about five years before getting pregnant again and being able to carry the baby
to full term. I blamed everyone else for my miscarriage and thought God was
doing this to punish me for my abortion. The man I had married was very
physically abusive and I got a divorce one year later.
I still continued a very self destructive lifestyle. I didn't care if I lived or
died and considered suicide a few times. At one time I did try taking an
overdose of pills, but just became very sick. A couple years later I met the man
who is now my husband. But within a year or two after we were married I started
going to a psychologist. The diagnosis he gave me was severe chronic depression
and he gave me drugs for this which created several different mood swings, and
before I knew it I wanted a divorce.
We ended up separating for awhile. My husband had asked me to see a priest
or a pastor for counseling but I refused. His sister even tried talking to
me, but I didn't want to hear it because I thought all she was trying to do
was to preach to me.
I had already seen an attorney and had given him a hundred dollar deposit,
and I was one day away from signing the papers. When the night before, I
thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I just got down on my knees
and cried out to God. I accepted the Lord as my Savior and asked him to take
control of our lives and our marriage. I didn't know it at the time, but
that very same night, my husband was also on his knees in New York crying
out to God, and he accepted the Lord that night also. Anyway, the very next
day, we got back together, our marriage was saved, and shortly after that we
were thrilled to find out we were expecting a child.
I went back to the psychologist for the last time to tell him I no longer
needed his services, because I now realized it was God who I needed. When I
told him we were expecting a child, he told me his wife had four abortions
because of their careers and he told me over and over again to have another
abortion. He said he believed in God too, but because of the deep state of
depression I had been in, I still needed his services and that I would only
be right back in his office in one year. And that was almost five years ago.
For the first five years after my abortion, I denied my feelings by trying
to justify my reasons for abortion. But after I accepted the Lord and after
our first child was born I started coming out of the denial stage. When our
son was born he had to be transported to the hospital for an infection in
his bloodstream where he stayed for ten days. I came and visited him each
day but I did not stay the nights with him. I loved him very much but
somehow I was afraid to bond with him. I didn't feel as though I deserved
him. When we took him home from the hospital, there were many times that I
would hold him and just cry about the baby I aborted. I couldn't understand
how I could have ever done something so terrible to a precious little baby.
This still haunted me for a long time, but one Sunday while I was in church,
the Pastor's sermon happened to be about abortion. It was that day for the
first time that I had ever heard what really happens to those babies
murdered by abortion. I was so devastated that I ran out of the church
crying. All I wanted to do was drive my car into a telephone pole. but I
managed to get it home safely. Later that day the Pastor came over and
talked with me. He told me that when Christ died on that cross for my sins,
that I died and with him and that I had to forgive myself and stop letting
Satan rob me of any joy.
I still cried night after night. I thought I could hear in the back of my
mind that baby saying "Mommy Why?". I would also think about those silent
screams that baby must have made while being killed.
But that Sunday happened to be a turning point for me. Once I repented of my
sin of abortion and was finally able to forgive myself and those around me,
I really felt the Lord was calling me to help others from making the same
mistake I made. I knew God was telling me to go out there and do something
but I didn't know how to go about it and I began to feel miserable. I spoke
to my father about this who told me that when God calls us to do something
and we don't do it, we will feel miserable.
A couple months later I looked in the phone book and found "Choose Life"
which is an outreach ministry which provides pregnancy testing and
counseling. They happened to need someone for the telephone hot line and I
got started right away, and have been with them for about the past four
Since then God has given me several opportunities to speak publicly about my
abortion experience which He has used in healing me so completely. I still
think about that baby every day, and I still cry sometimes, but since I've
come to know the Lord, I know that child is with God and someday we'll be
reunited in Heaven.
It's been almost five years since my husband and I have turned our lives over to
the Lord. We now have three children, and we can really see how the Lord has
worked in our lives. I have also now been able to forgive my father for the
problems concerning their divorce and we now have a closer relationship.
During this past year my husband and I had talked about doing pregnancy
counseling and post abortion counseling in our home. The Lord was giving me the
opportunity to use the worst tragedy of my life to help someone else from making
the same tragic mistake. And because of the healing that God has so wonderfully
given me, I wanted other women who are suffering from their abortions to know
that they can receive healing from God.
Well, I prayed about doing this type of counseling but I wasn't sure how to get
started until last summer when God answered my prayers and a friend told me
about WEBA (Women Exploited By Abortion). I contacted the National Headquarters
in California and they sent me all the materials and basic ideas where I was
able to get started last September.
I have only been involved in WEBA for the past four months, but I have learned a
lot through WEBA. I've learned that there are so many victims of abortion who
are sharing the same guilt and grief that I experienced. Some will never have
children, many have had to have hysterectomies and others have attempted
suicide. I thank God that I lived through my abortion and for blessing me with
the family I am able to have.