I wanted to change my mind…
In 1970 when I was 16 years old, I became pregnant. The doctor who told me I
was pregnant said he didn't do abortions but gave me the number of a doctor that
did. I was appalled that he would refer me to an abortionist. I finally found
the nerve to tell my mother. She asked me if I wanted a baby. I was hysterical.
I told her I was too young to be a mother. My mother told me they had a new
medical procedure where they suction you out and you're no longer pregnant. This
was the answer. My mom's OBGYN examined me, sent me to a psychiatrist and
scheduled a D & C. The OBGYN told me I was not physically able to carry a child.
The psychiatrist said I was not emotionally ready. My mother never said another
word. My boyfriend sold his motorcycle to pay for my medical procedure. I
was ready for this to be done.
I checked into the hospital. I was in a ward with about six other women. The
nurse came in and said to me you're too young to be pregnant. Somebody in the
ward used the word abortion and I just about fainted. I couldn't believe I was
going to have an abortion. I was there to get a medical procedure.
I laid in my bed and I prayed to God. I asked him to give me a sign if I was
doing the wrong thing. I asked him to start a fire or something drastic. I asked
him to make the doctor not show up. I wanted to change my mind. I wanted out but
I was afraid to inconvenience the doctor. My boyfriend had sold his motorcycle.
I was afraid I'd disappoint everyone. The next morning they woke me up, gave me
an IV to put me out and killed my baby. I went home and became depressed. I
didn't want to go back to school. I finished the last month of 11th
grade and never went back. I finished high school at adult education. I felt my
childhood was gone. I have had horrible unexplained depression. I am currently
on 2 medications to prevent depression. I have had 3 wonderful children by the
father of my aborted baby. But when I look at my family this is what I see . . .
There will always be a space between me and [my oldest living child] because
that is where my oldest child should be. I can never shake the horror of it all.
I now work at a Crisis Pregnancy Center to try and help just one teenager or
young woman who needs a hand.
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