I am a white female who was dating a black 17 year old when I was 15. I
became pregnant and my mom could not accept that the child was 1/2 black. I was
a military dependent living in Germany. My parents arranged to have me flown to
Holland for an abortion. My mom and dad went with me. The boy's parents paid for
half the abortion at the request of my parents.
It was very impersonal and scary. I had to go to an office by myself while my
parents waited downstairs. I had to give them the money. It was kind of like
going through a pap test. They explained what would happen and one lady held my
hand while it happened. I had to rest for a while before they let me leave. They
kept calling it a procedure.
My mother tried to believe that the abortion erased everything. My family did
not look at the abortion as bad, only what I had done. They never viewed it as a
child. Neither did I until one year ago. I believed that I could never be a mom
because of what I had done. I never would hold babies, it made me uncomfortable.
I have lived with a lot of guilt and anger.
I became a Christian 4 years ago and realized that I allowed a murder to take
place. Last year I told a girlfriend what happened and I went forward during a
church service (on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade) and asked God to forgive me
and to please give my child a hug and kiss for me. I had carried the burden long
enough and gave it up to the Lord. I have also seen a Christian counselor to
help me deal with this.
If I had been allowed to keep the child it would be 15 years old. I believed
a lie for all these years that I can't be a mom. My adult life has been filled
with pain, guilt, anger and confusion. I always thought that my parents did what
they thought was right. I recently discovered that my child was "exterminated"
because of its color.
It is only by the grace of God that the hurt within me is being healed. I
know that the Lord has given me a testimony that will help other woman that are
The Lord is great and brought me to my knees. I bared my soul and He has
truly blessed me for it.
One month ago my husband and myself became the proud parents of twin girls.
They are half Indian and half black. The Lord has blessed us twofold. I am now a
I praise God that the birth mother chose life and that she loved the girls
enough to give them up for adoption.