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No more bambino…

For me the decision to have an abortion was not a difficult one. I didn't give it a great deal of thought. I wasn't married. I had no money and I could never tell my parents. It was not a moral issue as I was a brand new Christian and had not as yet given thought to this fetus as being life. Three people knew - the father (who 5 months later would be my husband), and two girl friends. They were all supportive of whatever I wanted. How I wish someone had stopped me!

The abortion itself was like a nightmare. This was in Minnesota and abortions were not legal [at the time], so my boyfriend and I hopped a plane to New York to an "underground" clinic where several women were lined up and herded like cattle to different stations - for blood work, urine, on a table to be put to sleep, and then wheeled in for the abortion. I never saw the doctor. I vividly remember waking up on the way to my room after it was over and looking into the eyes of the young man pushing me. He was Hispanic and he grinned at me and said, "no more bambino." I then spent several days in a Minneapolis hospital seriously ill. I had peritonitis - an infection throughout my whole body - as a result of the abortion. I had a 50-50 chance of ever having a child. Thank God I have four now.

I seemed emotionally okay for awhile because I shoved all remembrance of the abortion from my mind. But it has come back to haunt me many times. I have mourned for my baby, I have longed to hold him. I remember him on what would have been his birthday, and I look forward to seeing him in heaven. How will I ask his forgiveness? As I got to know my Lord and Savior and looked in my first son's eyes, I began to realize what I had done. It was devastating! I had murdered my child. My husband has grieved too, but I don't think it's had as profound an effect on him.

The only way I've succeeded in dealing with my sin has been to confess it to two other Christians, pray about it, and ask forgiveness. I know the Lord has forgiven me, but I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive myself. It helped me to follow the advice of one Christian friend and ask the Lord for a vision of my child and name him. I do have a vision of my beautiful son and I named him John, and someday I will see him.

I don't think my abortion has changed my life a great deal physically. I have been happily married for eighteen years to the father of the child, and I have four wonderful children. However emotionally and spiritually it has taken a toll on my life. I think the thing that blows me away is how lightly that decision is made - especially today when it's so easy. It's like have a wart removed to some women. But there will come a time with most of us who have experienced abortion, when we come to grips with what we have done, and we can't go back and undo our mistake. We realize it wasn't a piece of tissue that we discarded, but a child, a creation of God, a part of us, a little "Bambino."

Post-Abortion Facts, Reconciliation and Healing

Priests for Life
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