For me the decision to have an abortion was not a difficult one. I didn't
give it a great deal of thought. I wasn't married. I had no money and I could
never tell my parents. It was not a moral issue as I was a brand new
Christian and had not as yet given thought to this fetus as being life. Three
people knew - the father (who 5 months later would be my husband), and two girl
friends. They were all supportive of whatever I wanted. How I wish someone had
stopped me!
The abortion itself was like a nightmare. This was in Minnesota and abortions
were not legal [at the time], so my boyfriend and I hopped a plane to New York
to an "underground" clinic where several women were lined up and herded like
cattle to different stations - for blood work, urine, on a table to be put to
sleep, and then wheeled in for the abortion. I never saw the doctor. I vividly
remember waking up on the way to my room after it was over and looking into the
eyes of the young man pushing me. He was Hispanic and he grinned at me and said,
"no more bambino." I then spent several days in a Minneapolis hospital seriously
ill. I had peritonitis - an infection throughout my whole body - as a result of
the abortion. I had a 50-50 chance of ever having a child. Thank God I have four
now.
I seemed emotionally okay for awhile because I shoved all remembrance of the
abortion from my mind. But it has come back to haunt me many times. I have
mourned for my baby, I have longed to hold him. I remember him on what would
have been his birthday, and I look forward to seeing him in heaven. How will I
ask his forgiveness? As I got to know my Lord and Savior and looked in my first
son's eyes, I began to realize what I had done. It was devastating! I had
murdered my child. My husband has grieved too, but I don't think it's had as
profound an effect on him.
The only way I've succeeded in dealing with my sin has been to confess it to
two other Christians, pray about it, and ask forgiveness. I know the Lord has
forgiven me, but I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive myself. It helped
me to follow the advice of one Christian friend and ask the Lord for a vision of
my child and name him. I do have a vision of my beautiful son and I named him
John, and someday I will see him.
I don't think my abortion has changed my life a great deal physically. I have
been happily married for eighteen years to the father of the child, and I have
four wonderful children. However emotionally and spiritually it has taken a toll
on my life. I think the thing that blows me away is how lightly that decision is
made - especially today when it's so easy. It's like have a wart removed to some
women. But there will come a time with most of us who have experienced abortion,
when we come to grips with what we have done, and we can't go back and undo our
mistake. We realize it wasn't a piece of tissue that we discarded, but a child,
a creation of God, a part of us, a little "Bambino."
